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Jewish World Review July 16, 2004 / 27 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The All-Star Game was held in Houston on Tuesday and featured a lopsided win by the American League over the National League. One side had all the power and made the other side pay. There is a reason this ballpark was once named Enron Field.

The British Open got underway Thursday at the famed Royal Troon Golf Club on the Scottish coast. High winds and howling rain were forecast. Of course, British intelligence has been wrong about everything else this year, so pack your sunscreen.

Whoopi Goldberg was fired Wednesday by Slim-Fast after she told a dirty joke on President Bush at a Democratic fundraiser. She never stopped promoting weight loss. The joke was so disgusting that nobody who heard it could eat for three days.

The Los Angeles Lakers sent Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat Wednesday for three players and a future draft pick. He promised Miami fans to improve on his free-throw shooting percentage. In the last year only Israel has put up more bricks.

Hillary Clinton was not on the list of speakers at the Democratic Convention announced Tuesday. The organizers asked Bill Clinton to speak on the first night. Democrats are trying to show a very suspicious Betty Ford that they can stop after one Clinton.

Congress approved a free-trade agreement with Australia Wednesday. The vote was surprisingly one-sided. Democrats do not normally favor free trade with any country but they could never deny anything to the ancestral home of Errol Flynn.

John Edwards campaigned alone for the first time as a vice- presidential candidate Wednesday. He is much improved out on the trail. John Edwards once took his wife and kids to SeaWorld and denounced the rush to judgment of the alleged killer whale.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton