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Jewish World Review July 13, 2004 / 24 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Major League Baseball holds its All-Star Game tonight in Minute Maid Park in Houston. Tickets are very expensive. Before the game, players will mill around at the railing in front of the box seats and try to get autographs from the oil men.

Glen Campbell sang a concert in the Phoenix county jail Friday night. It was the final day of his ten-day sentence. As drunk-and-disorderly sentences go, he got off easy if you saw Dennis Rodman running from the bulls on the streets of Pamplona.

Boston maid Geraldine Williams won the Mega Millions Lottery last week. She won three hundred million but it's only a hundred twenty million after taxes. She's the only housecleaner in America who's fed up with the Democrats always soaking the rich.

Mike Ditka was asked by Illinois Republicans Friday to run for U.S. Senate. He is the perfect choice. They want him to replace the guy who was run out of the race for taking his wife to a bondage club, or as Mike Ditka calls it, training camp.

John Kerry said Saturday he will send an immigration reform bill to Congress that allows illegal immigrants to become citizens. It's obvious what's going on here. Somebody just bet him twenty million dollars that he couldn't lose California.

John Edwards was attacked in Republican ads Friday for being a personal injury attorney. The VP job is not a good fit for a trial lawyer. The vice president's motorcade is always followed by an ambulance, which might be disorienting for him.

Enron's former CEO Ken Lay e-mailed his high school classmates Wednesday and declared that his G-d is stronger than all the prosecutors, FBI agents and SEC investigators and will protect him. His connections are very good. His G-d grades on the curve and still gives you an A for obeying nine out of the Ten Commandments.

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