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Jewish World Review July 9, 2004 / 20 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | John Edwards gave Democrats a big bounce in the polls Wednesday according to NBC News. The former trial lawyer is committed to victory. He's hot on the trail of Dick Cheney, or else he's following the ambulance that's always in his motorcade.

John Kerry named John Edwards his running mate on Tuesday to bring youth and looks and energy and oratory to the ticket. They have the standard agreement. If they win the election John Edwards gets thirty percent of the country plus expenses.

John Kerry posed for cameras holding John Edwards' little boy Wednesday. They were just adorable. John Kerry spent so much time tousling his hair and patting his head, the child could retain his dad to sue Heinz Foods for Shaken Baby Syndrome.

Democrats bragged all day Wednesday that John Edwards has charisma and charm and hair. The vice president has heard enough. It's not wise for frequent flyers to needle a guy who has twice shown the willingness to shoot down a passenger plane.

Congress held hearings Thursday about the near-shootdown of a private plane bringing Kentucky's governor to Reagan's funeral last month. Talk about a close call. Only a thick cloud cover kept Ronald Reagan from having to share top billing.

John Kerry spoke Saturday about his summer on his uncle's farm. He said his passion was riding the tractor and looking back and feeling the satisfaction of a well-plowed field. Groucho Marx used to pay good money for set-up lines like this.

Ken Lay was indicted in Houston Thursday in connection with the collapse of Enron. Lives were ruined. No one wants to say the charges go on and on, but if you threw a copy of the indictment overhand it could bring down a water buffalo.

Sean Connery signed a rumored six-figure deal with Harper Collins publishers on Wednesday to write his autobiography. It's a natural progression. Only Bill Clinton could follow Wilt Chamberlain and only James Bond could follow Bill Clinton.

Dennis Rodman was chased down the street by hundreds of bulls in the Running of the Bulls in Spain. He was hired to be a human billboard for a casino. When the Republicans are in the White House, the Labor Secretary is always Charles Darwin.

Nielsen Media Research ended all TV ratings sweeps in Los Angeles Monday. People Meters were installed to measure the number of viewers daily. From now on, every newscast will consist of car chases, pet rescues and breast implants for all budgets.

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