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Jewish World Review July 8, 2004 / 19 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | John Kerry astounded many experts by picking John Edwards Tuesday. He selected for his running mate a younger and better- looking and more talented candidate than himself. Hollywood no longer considers President Bush the stupid one.

The New York Post committed a front-page gaffe Tuesday with headlines saying John Kerry had picked Dick Gephardt. Lesson learned. This is the last time the editors ever invite CIA Director George Tenet to lunch and pump him for information.

John Edwards was selected by John Kerry to be his running mate Tuesday. He's a political newcomer. Voters still aren't sure where John Edwards stands on all the issues but he is a personal injury attorney so we know he's in favor of the war.

Bill Clinton looked sad while praising John Edwards to the media Tuesday. It wasn't because his wife was eclipsed as the Democratic heir-apparent. He just couldn't believe he spent six days writing that book and it's already out of the news.

Boston recruited police dogs to guard the Democratic Convention Tuesday. The same day they named a Southern Democrat to the ticket. In honor of the fortieth anniversary of the Civil Rights Act, the Democratic Party is returning to its roots.

Shaquille O'Neal declared Monday he will not play for Los Angeles Lakers and demanded to be traded. NBA players don't mind switching teams because they never have to pull their children out of school. They've always got kids in the next city.

USA Today warned U.S. athletes Tuesday not to wave U.S. flags at the Olympics in Athens. The world is gunning for us. During the games the U.S. team should wear the Nike swoosh instead of the American flag so everyone will think they're from Vietnam.

Beverly Hills lawyer David Wolfe admitted embezzling eight hundred thousand dollars from the Beverly Hills Bar Association in order to support his gambling habit. Thus a lawyer stole from lawyers to pay off loan sharks. He should have known what he was getting into when he signed up for the adjustable rate mortgage.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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