Is shame ruining intimacy in your marriage?

Question:

I grew up in a very religious household and I think it's created a problem with shame and therefore desire to be physically intimate. I simply couldn't care less about it now, which obviously doesn't work in my marriage, so I have a very frustrated husband. I honestly wish I could get into it and make my husband happy, but I'd much rather relax, read or watch TV. Do you have any advice? How does one change that?

Answer:

You are not alone on this one. Unfortunately, when it comes to intimacy, many people are not having the experience they wanted or thought they would have.

For many, intimacy has become a source of stress, shame, disappointment, performance anxiety, discomfort or conflict, and with this much fear-based energy around it, who would want more? Many women also find shame around sexuality has also dampened their enthusiasm.

Whether you are in a new relationship or have been married for a long time, these issues, coming from either your mindset or your physiology, can ruin the connection and enjoyment. If you suspect your problem might be physiological, make an appointment with your doctor to talk about your hormones, menopause, medication you are taking or other factors that affect libido. Also talk to a doctor if you experience discomfort.

If your issues are more about mindset, subconscious shame or that being physically intimate has become a source of stress, disappointment, anxiety or conflict in your marriage, there are many things you can do to change this. Here are four ideas to start changing your mindset:

1. Changing your shame mindset around sexuality

The world we live in offers plenty of opportunities to feel shame around intimacy. Many grew up hearing sexuality was bad and dirty, so the whole thing has a negative energy around it. The battle with pornography and sex trafficking in our world today has brought increased shame for some men around even having sexual desire.

Some tell us they feel their natural desire for intimacy casts them as perverted or bad. They mistakenly carry shame around any desire, even a pure and loving desire for more enjoyable or interesting intimacy with their spouses, even though they are wired exactly as they are supposed to be. We are all, of course, accountable for our choices and where we go to fulfill those desires, but our natural desire for intimate contact and connection is nothing to be ashamed of.

Many women were taught as girls to suppress their sexuality completely and see it as dirty and bad, because good girls don't do that. Then, they get married and are immediately expected to find it, turn it back on and be comfortable with it. This is unrealistic.

Subconscious programming around intimacy can be changed, but it can take work and commitment to do it.

Some people also experienced sexual abuse as a child. These experiences can skew subconscious mindsets and feelings around sex. Many need professional help and must do some serious work around sexuality to feel differently.

Don't be ashamed to seek out help; it is never too late to process past experiences and heal them.

2. Getting rid of stress, fear and performance anxiety

Shame around sexuality can also bring fear of failure into the mix. You may have fear of failure around your appearance or gaining weight as you age. You could have fear of failure around performance anxiety or not meeting expectations. This can lead to embarrassment, frustration and disconnection. All of these can create a place where physical intimacy is more about fear than love.

Both of you must learn to hold space for each other without any expectations or disappointments. Let each partner's experience be whatever it is and perfect for today. Intimacy should just be about enjoying each other, connecting and relaxing. It is a classroom on love and connection, not a test of performance.

Men, you do not have to be a movie star and know every move in the bedroom to make your wife feel amazing and relaxed. Women don't have to be a supermodel to make their husbands feel loved and wanted. All you need is to show up with a willingness to give and receive love and touch.

Women, also remember what men really want is to be wanted by the woman they love. They don't care how perfect your body is, they only care about how much you want them and love being with them. When you can get out of your own self-esteem fears and focus on giving love and attention, you will enjoy the experience more.

Then, also let your spouse give to you and show his love for you exactly as you are. Receiving love is often more difficult than giving love. Your conscious and subconscious fears of not being good enough may say you don't deserve it. This can block you from receiving and create a wall of resistance that makes it hard to enjoy intimacy.

It would help if you will practice receiving in other areas of your life too. Allow your husband to spend money on you without feeling guilty. Allow your neighbor to watch your kids so you get a break (without feeling guilty). Small exercises like this shift your mindset to one where you deserve to have your needs met.

Kimberly Giles is a life coach and author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness.