Ridiculous as it sounds, prepare for life

As a break from the ever-depressing news cycle, let us play the philosopher this week by considering Life with a capital L — in particular, what are the best experiences a person can have to live a full and enriching life?

Younger readers may scorn this discussion as something older people think about in between different stages of mulching the garden. But that is one of the advantages of the twilight years. It is the time to think great thoughts, and none better than this: Somewhere a meeting is going on and I am not at it.

Ideally, venerable thinkers like me should sit cross-legged on a mountain summit waiting for seekers of wisdom to come by, but summits are not ideal for golf or tennis. Besides, seekers of wisdom should subscribe to a newspaper, if only to be amused by the editorial page.

Of course, everybody will have their own list of what makes for a full life. My own view of such experiences has the advantage of not being informed by any great success in living life to the max. In fact, I have made a point of living life to the medium, and I haven't had much success with that, either.

Accordingly, mine is a modest list of life-enhancing experiences. A caution: Some items on my list do not apply to everybody. You may be living a wonderfully fulfilling life and not agree with a single one of my suggestions. That is OK. It just means you have to make your own list.

People's talents and situations are different. Sadly, some are limited by health problems, bad luck, rotten childhoods or insufficient financial means.

That said, I think everybody should go to college and live in a dorm, the better to understand Third World squalor. What a privilege it is to be able to partake of mankind's store of knowledge and learn invaluable lessons, such as drinking beer and sleeping in until noon every day.

Everybody should play on a sports team at least once in order to learn the important life lessons that can only be absorbed on playing fields. (Sorry, bowling does not count, because too many potato chips are involved.)

Coaches always say, "There is no 'I' in team." Mark this wisdom well, because it happens to be nonsense. Just try dropping the pass that would have won the championship game and you will certainly say to yourself: "I am up the creek now without a paddle." Not "team" up the creek, "I."

Yes, you need to be on a team to learn that trite sayings are almost always baloney. If you do lose the game, whether or not it's your fault, another important life lesson unfolds in shaking hands in a lineup with the winners afterward: "Good game" (Silent underlying meaning: "You're a cheater") … "Good game" ("What a thug") … "Good game" ("You were preposterously lucky").

This is the highest expression of civilized hypocrisy, and the person who learns this early will prosper in the corporate world. (A tolerance for foul-smelling locker room laundry is also an advantage in any future testosterone-soaked environment.)

After mastering college and sports, everybody should serve a hitch in the military at some lowly rank, say "Cannon Fodder, First Class." Being yelled at in basic training prepares a person for many occupations where public interaction is not always polite, such as newspaper columnist. This was my salvation. Whatever rude thing you want to say about me, a grizzled sergeant has already said it more colorfully.

For the fullest life, everybody should marry and have kids. The idea that "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" only makes a person miserable and rules out wedding presents. And if you marry, it is better to have kids, because when your conversation runs out after 30 years you will still have something to talk about.

Some people, of course, choose not to have kids. That is their right, but they do not know what they are missing — the worry, the disturbed sleep, the bills, the heartaches, the long stretches between calls. This is the stuff of a full life, often more impoverishing than enriching, but remember what your coach told you after being slam-tackled: Walk it off.

One day, if you get sufficient exercise from mulching and live a long life, you might even become a grandparent, arguably life's greatest blessing, because you experience the cuteness but this time don't have to get up in the middle of the night.

Life — it makes you think.

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Reg Henry
(TNS)/ Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

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Reg Henry is deputy editorial-page editor for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.