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Jewish World Review June 28, 2004 / 9 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Saudi Arabia offered a thirty-day amnesty for terrorists who turn themselves in. It gave murderers and beheaders a chance to clear their names. It provoked no immediate response from jihadists but O.J. Simpson was on the next plane to Riyadh.

John Kerry attended a fundraising concert in Hollywood at the Disney Concert Hall Thursday. The celebrity turnout was huge. John Kerry has what everybody in Hollywood has been talking about and what everybody in Hollywood wants, donor hair.

John Kerry flew to Ohio Friday following swanky fundraisers in Hollywood and Manhattan. It's becoming a blur to him. In twenty-four hours he promised federal job retraining to Jack Nicholson and offered a line of coke to a laid-off factory worker.

John Edwards and Tom Vilsack gave speeches to Democrats in Iowa Friday. They both want to be Kerry's running mate and they know he doesn't like to be upstaged. John Edwards read aloud from Corpus Juris Secundum and Tom Vilsack counted backwards from one hundred.

Barry Bonds on Friday angrily denied charges he used steroids. Fans believe his huge numbers can only be explained by growth hormones. Cows get injected with the same stuff and milk just broke gasoline's all-time record for price per gallon.

Tiger Woods slammed photographers and blamed greenskeepers for his poor play at the U.S. Open last week. The sponsors are getting edgy. Beer commercials are based upon the premise that your problems are over when the Swedish blonde says yes.

San Francisco Giants fans waved rubber chickens last week whenever the opposing pitcher walked Barry Bonds. They went wild, flapping their arms and clucking. It's a glorious thing to see a sophisticated city finally experience the liberating power of Hee Haw.

Jack Ryan was reported Thursday to be considering ending his U.S. Senate campaign in Illinois. His appetite for bondage clubs struck everybody as strange. People in Illinois are used to seeing their politicians handcuffed but not to the ceiling.

Saudi Arabia decided Tuesday to allow Americans in the oil kingdom to carry sidearms while walking the streets of Riyadh. This should really even the playing field. The terrorists, who know nothing about television in the 1950s, are about to find out that every Baby Boomer was a quick-draw artist by the time he was eight.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton