Jewish World Review June 28, 2004 / 9 Tamuz, 5764
important news ....
Saudi Arabia offered a thirty-day amnesty for terrorists who
turn themselves in. It gave murderers and beheaders a chance to
clear their names. It provoked no immediate response from
jihadists but O.J. Simpson was on the next plane to Riyadh.
John Kerry attended a fundraising concert in Hollywood at
the Disney Concert Hall Thursday. The celebrity turnout was huge.
John Kerry has what everybody in Hollywood has been talking about
and what everybody in Hollywood wants, donor hair.
John Kerry flew to Ohio Friday following swanky fundraisers
in Hollywood and Manhattan. It's becoming a blur to him. In
twenty-four hours he promised federal job retraining to Jack
Nicholson and offered a line of coke to a laid-off factory worker.
John Edwards and Tom Vilsack gave speeches to Democrats in
Iowa Friday. They both want to be Kerry's running mate and they
know he doesn't like to be upstaged. John Edwards read aloud from
Corpus Juris Secundum and Tom Vilsack counted backwards from one
Barry Bonds on Friday angrily denied charges he used
steroids. Fans believe his huge numbers can only be explained by
growth hormones. Cows get injected with the same stuff and milk
just broke gasoline's all-time record for price per gallon.
Tiger Woods slammed photographers and blamed greenskeepers
for his poor play at the U.S. Open last week. The sponsors are
getting edgy. Beer commercials are based upon the premise that
your problems are over when the Swedish blonde says yes.
San Francisco Giants fans waved rubber chickens last week
whenever the opposing pitcher walked Barry Bonds. They went wild,
flapping their arms and clucking. It's a glorious thing to see a
sophisticated city finally experience the liberating power of Hee Haw.
Jack Ryan was reported Thursday to be considering ending his
U.S. Senate campaign in Illinois. His appetite for bondage clubs
struck everybody as strange. People in Illinois are used to seeing
their politicians handcuffed but not to the ceiling.
Saudi Arabia decided Tuesday to allow Americans in the oil kingdom to carry sidearms while walking the streets of Riyadh. This should really even the playing field. The terrorists, who know nothing about television in the 1950s, are about to find out that every Baby Boomer was a quick-draw artist by the time he was eight.
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