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Jewish World Review June 21, 2004 / 2 Tamuz, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Around the World in Eighty Days bombed at the box office last weekend handing Disney a huge financial setback. It came as a shock to the studio executives and the accountants. They expected the movie to draw like Titanic, not sail like Titanic.

Shinnecock Hills hosted the U.S. Open Sunday after landscapers cleared out all the woods, turning it into open, windswept course. All foliage was removed. In the last twelve months, only Michael Moore has put more money into uprooting the Bushes.

Michael Moore's movie Fahrenheit 9/11 opens on Friday. His movies have blasted General Motors, the National Rifle Association, and now the Bush war policy. Still, NASCAR fans won't be convinced he's the anti-Christ until he comes out against beer.

Michael Moore got an offer of help from Hezbollah Thursday for the marketing of his anti-war movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Terrorists love the picture. It's starting to look like Osama bin Laden refused to attack Hollywood out of professional courtesy.

Bill Clinton plugged his book in a one-hour interview with Dan Rather on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday. The descriptions got pretty graphic. No one wants to say he's overexposed but some of the best parts of the interview were electronically concealed.

The New York Times reports that the Bill Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock will have a glass-walled apartment on the roof for his use. He plans to give many of the guided tours personally. The replica of his Oval Office study will be a petting zoo.

Monica Lewinsky refused to answer questions from New York reporters Friday and flew to Little Rock for a friend's wedding. Bless her heart. Only Monica Lewinsky would think she could escape any reminders of Bill Clinton by flying to Little Rock.

Afghanistan's president Hamid Karzai addressed the U.S. Congress last week. He vowed he would put an end to the economy of opium and the rule of the gun. For crying out loud, can't the Detroit Pistons celebrate just one championship in peace?

Senator John Kerry's campaign refused Tuesday to say how he will vote on the marriage amendment. The candidate can't take a position on gay marriage until he learns the answer to two questions. Which one is the wife and how much is he worth?

The U.S. Capitol Visitors Center is under construction to ensure that tourists are screened at security checkpoints far from the House and Senate chambers. It's a precaution to protect the Capitol building from disturbed individuals. Elections are risky enough.

Los Angeles observed the tenth anniversary of O.J. Simpson's slow-speed car chase up the San Diego Freeway Thursday. O.J. and his buddy A.C. Cowlings had to drive back up to Los Angeles when their plan to hide in Orange County was foiled. The sun came up.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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