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Jewish World Review June 11, 2004 / 22 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Reagan Legacy Project wants Ronald Reagan's face carved in Mt. Rushmore, but they concede there are structural problems. Instead they are proposing that the road up to the landmark be renamed in his honor. It would be called Right Turn Only.

The U.S. Capitol held a state funeral for President Reagan Wednesday. Eulogies were given by Vice President Cheney and two Republican lawmakers. The Democrats were represented by a sarcastic comment from Peter Jennings on the ABC Evening News.

U.S. Capitol police sounded a false alarm on Wednesday sending Reagan mourners fleeing into the streets. Women left a trail of high-heel shoes up and down the Capitol steps. Reporters could only survey the debris and swap Jack Kennedy stories.

Bill Clinton showed off his suntan and slimmed-down physique at a publishers convention in Chicago on Thursday. He just passed his annual physical exam with his usual ease. After two hours in the doctor's office he took a turn for the nurse.

Courtney Love was expected to surrender in Los Angeles on charges that she assaulted another woman at her ex- boyfriend's house last April. The troubled singer only did one line of cocaine her entire life. It was ten years long.

The Pentagon said it plans to withdraw two divisions from Germany after fifty-nine years of occupation. This is the country that invented nuclear, biological and chemical weapons and started two world wars, and we're leaving them unguarded. This is hint number one that the October surprise isn't going to be a Kerry mistress.

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