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Jewish World Review June 8, 2004 / 19 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Ronald Reagan received an outpouring of tributes Sunday for winning the Cold War. Life in those years was so carefree. Sure, nuclear war threatened the annihilation of the human race every day, but you were in and out of the airport in five minutes.

Ernie Els won the Memorial in suburban Ohio. The golfers were plagued by the sight and the roar of billions of giant black bugs called cicadas. The last time John Daly saw something like this he was strapped to a gurney at the Betty Ford Center.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in a cameo role in the movie Around the World in Eighty Days. He plays a sultan with dozens of women in his harem. Ever the perfectionist, Schwarzenegger rehearsed for over thirty years.

O.J. Simpson complained Friday about his parental responsibilities. He said it's tough being a single parent nowadays. Kids get so attached to their nannies during the murder trial that it sometimes takes years to regain authority over them.

CIA Director George Tenet quit Thursday after mistakenly reporting that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. It was a tearful good-bye. His last official act was to call Pete Rose and tell him that Smarty Jones was a slam dunk in the Belmont.

Iraqis were reported Friday to be paying a nickel a gallon for gasoline. They have no speed limit or income tax and whiskey is a dollar a quart. If this country was any freer it would join Las Vegas and Bill Clinton in the Axis of Elvis.

John Kerry in Minneapolis Friday issued a call for one million U.S. veterans to support him. He got no press coverage and he's getting desperate. Ever since President Reagan died, John Kerry has called Bill Clinton every three hours to see if he's running a temperature.

Warren Beatty co-hosted a Hollywood gala for John Kerry Monday. In his youth, the movie star was suggested by President Kennedy to play him in PT-109, but the studio wouldn't hear of it. It's the closest Kennedy ever came to giving himself away.

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