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Jewish World Review June 4, 2004 / 15 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Day after Tomorrow is a hit movie about global warming. It shows a tidal wave destroying Los Angeles and New York. The Dixie Chicks made the mistake of looking back while walking out of the theater and they turned into a pillar of salt.

The Los Angeles Lakers play the Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals. No one is worried about post-victory riots. Like everyone else, the looters have decided to hold off on flat-screen televisions until the price comes down to two-to-five years.

Democrats urged the legalization of drug re-importation so senior citizens can get cheaper drugs from Canada. It sets a bad precedent. Next, filling stations in Canada will be mailing cheaper gasoline to nursing homes in the San Fernando Valley.

Gasoline prices hit a new high Wednesday, cutting into mini- mart profits. Customers have no money left to buy beer and cigarettes and junk food. Not only are we paying record prices for gas, but we are going to be paying them ten years longer.

John Kerry spoke Thursday at the Truman Library in Independence and demanded more diplomacy in Iraq. The audience response was cold. Only a missionary would urge diplomacy in a place that produced Jesse James, Cole Younger, and Harry Truman.

Pentagon favorite Ahmad Chalabi was outed in Iraq as a spy for Iran. He began his career as a bank embezzler. There is no limit to what a man can get away with in the Mideast with a good command of the English language and relatively clean fingernails.

Teresa Heinz Kerry spoke to families of U.S. service personnel in West Virginia Wednesday. The campaign prefers that she introduce her husband on the campaign trail. The Secret Service says it cannot guarantee John Kerry's safety the first time he introduces himself as a neo-metrosexual before a roomful of West Virginians.

Prince William said Monday he will join the Royal Army after spending a month working on a farm in England. He cleaned up after pigs and milked cows and baled hay. It can't be good news that he wants to be able to make small talk with Paris Hilton.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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