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Jewish World Review June 2, 2004 / 13 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban opened in London Monday. The timing was unfortunate on this side of the pond. The last thing Americans want to see is how much more trouble a boy from private school can get into with the Arabs.

The Day after Tomorrow is a box office hit about how global warming destroys life on this planet. The plot seems all too real. Arnold Schwarzenegger ends his movie career to save California and leaves the Earth with only Al Gore to defend it.

Martha Stewart volunteered Friday to spend twenty hours a week teaching poor women how to become entrepreneurs. The court should allow it. Martha Stewart has a lot of kitchen knives but until she wins the Heisman, she is no threat to anybody.

The L.A. Lakers advanced to the NBA finals Monday at Staples Center. It's quite a scene. Between the Laker players and the courtside celebrities there are so many people wrapped up in themselves it causes minor tornadoes to form in the parking lot.

Shaquille O'Neal informed the U.S. Olympic basketball team he's not interested in playing for them in Athens this summer. He receives terrorist threats every day. It's the price everybody pays when they decide to change lanes in Los Angeles.

John Kerry declared Tuesday he would create a White House office to prevent nuclear terrorism. His Vietnam edge wasn't enough. Because he's had radiation therapy on his prostate he believes he has nuclear experience over President Bush.

Bill Clinton will address the book publishers' annual convention in Chicago tomorrow. He received a twelve-million- dollar advance for his memoirs. This is the most expensive advance since he told Paula Jones that she makes his knees knock.

U.S. Senate aide Jessica Cutler was fired for posting her sexual diary over the Internet. She prostituted herself to lobbyists during lunch hour. If she had kept her alligator loafers on during the act on she could have been arrested for impersonating a U.S. Senator.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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