Jewish World Review June 16, 2003 / 16 Sivan, 5763

Michael Graham

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Consumer Reports


DEAR HIL—


In July of 1998, President Bill Clinton offered videotaped testimony to a grand jury regarding his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, in which he acknowledged a relationship he previously denied. Below is a copy of a note secretly obtained from the White House archives dated around that same time.


http://www.jewishworldreview.com | "Dear Hil—

Left this note on the dining room table next to the latest report on child immunization rates from the Department of Health and Human Services. Figured you would see it there first—plus I never feel comfortable leaving documents up in our room. Who knows when they'll reappear? Ha, ha!

I signed that card you picked out for Chelsea and had the new Secret Service guy drop it in the mail. At least, I told him to. These new guys Bruce Lindsey hired for me since that whole executive privilege thing came up, why, they're so hard of hearing, I can't tell if they know what I'm asking 'em to do half the time.

Oh, and don't bother having lunch brought in today. I'm going to be downstairs getting videotaped. No need to come down and watch—it's just the usual testimony. You know, that old "truth, the whole truth, and nothing but" routine. Boy, isn't it lucky we both went to law school? That sure paid off for us—with or without those Whitewater checks!

Just kidding. Anyway, I know you're busy taking the villages and raising the children right now, but there are a couple of things I needed to let you know about before that out-of-control, right-wing nut job Starr shows up with his video cameras.

Baby, you and I know that those vicious Republicans will stop at nothing to destroy the political principles that I have stood for all of my life. Some ideals are too important to compromise, like opposing the balanced budg—, I mean protecting the safety net of welfar—uh, like nationalizing health ca—, well, Hillary, I don't have to tell you how important these principles are.

That's why the morning you went on the Today show and stood up against the Vast, Right-Wing Conspiracy was one of the proudest days of my life. I believe we turned a corner that morning, as a nation and as a couple. In a way, you and I have come to represent all of America.

Hillary, I believe you represent the idealistic desires of the American people to use government power to improve and direct the lives of everyday citizens by redistributing wealth, ensuring justice and ending undesirable behavior. Meanwhile, my presidency represents what the government actually does to people once it gets all that power.

And polls indicate that most people like it, especially women.

Because we represent so much to so many, our enemies are determined to tear us apart. But we've always come out OK when we stick together. It's like that time in college when you found me in the pool naked with those girls from the swim team. You immediately wanted to jump to conclusions, but I swear, baby, if I hadn't torn off my clothes and jumped in to help them, those two girls would not be alive to serve as senior staffers in the Commerce Department today.

I'll never forget how hurt I was when you left me and started dating that Poli-Sci major from Boston. I was crushed. But eventually we got back together, and history proves it was for the best. Without you, I would never have become the proud husband and father I am, and I seriously doubt that Poli-Sci grad would have made you America's greatest First Lady—in fact, I don't think she's ever run for public office, has she?

The point is, we've got to stick together. In the next few days, you're going to hear a few things that might upset you. You might hear about some DNA samples on a cocktail dress. You might hear that I have slightly modified some of my testimony from that deposition in the Paula Jones case. You may hear something about games of "Princess Warrior and Thunder King" at a late-night Oval Office party.. (No, wait! You haven't heard that! Just skip it—it's nothing.)

Honey, I swear I can explain this whole Monica mess. Like the stains on that dress, for example. We all know that, when she stormed out of the White House because I would not give in to her feminine wiles, that Lewinsky woman went straight to the Pentagon.

Well, if you're a buddy of Linda Tripp and you're part of the conspiracy, how hard would it be to get a sample of my "bodily essence" from that top secret file they keep on every president? (Didn't I tell you about that? Why, they've still got bucketfuls of the stuff from JFK. Some top-secret cloning project. Very X- Files.)

I know sometimes you're tempted to doubt me baby, but you've got to remember why we're sticking together in the face of these false charges. These lies have one purpose only: to bring down my presidency and, with it, its most important legacy, namely, the protection from future prosecution we both enjoy (by the way, did you ever get the real paperwork from the commodities deal awhile back?)

Hillary, I'm prepared to stand with you, to trust you when you tell me that I am mistaken about your orders to "fire those lazy b-stards" in the Travel Office. I believe you when you tell me that those papers in my bureau for two years weren't under subpoena. I am absolutely ready to testify that it was not you who sent that "useful galoot" Craig What's-His-Name to pick up every FBI file that wasn't nailed down.

I swear honey—I believe every word you say. All I'm asking is that you do the same.

Gotta run, baby!
Your Bill

P.S.—There's some cold chicken in the ice box. Don't wait up!

The above is an excerpt from "CLINTON & ME: How Eight Years of a Pants-Free President Changed My Nation, My Family and My Life"

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JWR contributor Michael Graham is a talk show host and author of the highly acclaimed "Redneck Nation: How the South Really Won the War." To comment, please click here.

Up

06/11/03: Madame Hillary's Lessons for Young Ladies
06/03/03: War games
05/28/03: A few small reparations
05/22/03: Springtime for Hitler?

© 2003, Michael Graham