Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The New York Supreme Court is deciding if the elephant at the Bronx Zoo has the same rights as a person. This is big. If the court rules in the elephant's favor, she will not only be given protection from false imprisonment, she will be offered the cover of next year's Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.

• The New York Times, CNN and NBC referred to the twenty-four GOP primary winners Trump endorsed as Far-Right Election Deniers. The left should be more concerned about the U.S. Mail. After the midnight mail-in ballots were counted in Wisconsin Tuesday, Joe Biden just edged McGovern.

• President Biden met with the leaders of Finland and Sweden to plot their entry into NATO in the face of Russian threats. At least the Finns and Swedes have centuries-old traditions of military valor. The problem is, Russians are fighting so poorly in Ukraine, it's got France and Italy mouthing off.

• Fox News reports McDonald's just sold all their restaurants in Russia in protest over Putin's war on Ukraine. This follows exits by other U.S. companies Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Starbucks and Pizza Hut. If the Russians get anything out of this war, they could end up being the healthiest people on this planet.

• An NBC News poll last week showed eighty percent of Americans say we're heading in the wrong direction. Luckily we're blessed with resourcefulness at the top. In a desperate attempt to appear more presidential, Biden is flying to Asia, where he will be photographed standing next to a lot of short people.

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• NBC News in Houston reported that a thirty-one-year-old female high school teacher in Houston has been arrested for having sex with an underage male student. Apparently the woman wasn't a very good English class teacher either. The boy is bragging to all his buddies that he's been getting lain.

• The FDA approved a Covid vaccine for five-year-old kids Tuesday but the CDC hasn't okayed its use. The word of mouth on the side effects is not good. The Covid vaccines took a public relations hit recently when fifteen Southern states and Utah approved the Moderna shot for death row executions.

• AAA reports that gas prices surpassed four dollars a gallon in every state Friday. However, due to high gas prices, the numbers of drive-by shootings are down. It's a safe feeling knowing that not worth the six dollars a gallon to shoot has replaced cracker as the worst thing I can be called in Chicago.

• Detroit couples poured into Canada desperate for baby formula Sunday, embarrassing the Biden administration. If I were Biden's new Press Secretary, I would frame the baby formula shortage as a way to help couples save at the pump. Think about it, lighter infants will increase your gas mileage.

• President Biden invoked the Defense Production Act Wednesday to mobilize federal resources to help baby formula factories get up and running. Parents of babies were panicking. The issue came to a head Tuesday when Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg complained he was forced to chest feed.

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