Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Fox Sports will pay Tom Brady three hundred seventy-five million to broadcast NFL games after he retires. This year he's refusing the $375 million to keep getting hit by 375-pound linemen to prepare. Tom's a funny guy but he needs at least three more concussions before he's as funny as Terry Bradshaw.

• Supreme Court justices faced angry protests in their front yards from strident backers of Roe vs. Wade Tuesday. Bette Midler went on TV and said every woman should take a knee whenever the National Anthem is played. In response, Bill Clinton changed his ringtone to the Star Spangled Banner.

• The Roe vs. Wade protests pit the people who believe it's a matter of saving a baby's life against people who consider abortion a woman's right, and each side considers the other beneath contempt. I'm completely above that kind of thinking. I can tell if a person is judgmental just by looking at them.

• Ohio Democratic Senate nominee Tim Ryan was accused of insulting the president Friday when he decided not to show up for President Biden's campaign trip to a Cincinnati auto plant. Tim Ryan's critics aren't familiar with the first rule of political endorsements. Never catch the bouquet at a funeral.

• The New York Times reported that Hunter Biden is living in a twenty-thousand dollar per month rented home in Malibu which boasts a spectacular view of the ocean. Last week, Hunter Biden injured his testicles while he was surfing. He slammed his laptop shut when his wife suddenly walked in.

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• President Biden addressed the nation on inflation Tuesday and it appears he's pretty much down to practicing witchcraft. He seems to believe if he says Ultra MAGA twenty times, it will drive down gas prices. Every day I'm grateful to President Biden for saying the things the rest of us are too smart to say.

• President Biden blamed high gas prices at the pump Tuesday on Vladimir Putin and his decision to invade Ukraine, spiking world oil prices. The crew at my Chevron station in West Hollywood now includes a loan officer. They cheerfully provide onsite financing to help out with your gasoline purchase.

• Senator Liz Warren led Roe vs. Wade protests Sunday, leading to pundit speculation she may run for president. She'd get a rough time for claiming to be Cherokee when she applied to teach at Ivy League schools. Last week, Liz was bit by a mosquito and just like that, there went all her Indian blood.

• Fox News reported last weekend that the Taliban just issued a proclamation ordering all women in Afghanistan to be completely covered up in public. Even their faces are to be veiled. I would like to believe in exchange for all the military equipment we left them, we at least made off with all the lookers.

• Politico reports that Russia is attempting to sabotage the Iran Nuclear Deal during talks to revive it after it was scuttled by President Trump. Putin could be doing Biden a favor. The Iran Nuclear Deal is the only thing Donald Trump ever pulled out of that didn't end with an exchange of hush money.

• Ukraine President Zelensky addressed Ukraine on World War II Victory Day Monday and vowed to triumph over Russian aggression. Last week, Bono suddenly showed up in Ukraine and performed an impromptu concert to Ukrainians huddled in a bomb shelter. Haven't these people suffered enough?

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