• Dave Chappelle issued a statement Friday ripping the Los Angeles District Attorney's office for not filing felony charges against the armed guy who assaulted him onstage. This country is going downhill. In my day, the only time a comic feared being attacked was when a husband came home early.
• White House official Samantha Powers told ABC's This Week she's happy that there is a severe shortage of fertilizer, asserting it will force American farmers to turn to more natural sources such as manure. Reaction from the Farm Belt was swift. The state of Iowa just asked Amber Heard to sleep on it.
• The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial uncovered the fact that she and Elon Musk had a two-year affair several years ago during her marriage to Depp. By all testimony she appears to be disturbed and violent. Johnny Depp and Elon Musk now face criticism for never giving each other an Amber Alert.
• President Biden addressed the nation Tuesday and laid out his plan to bring down the high price of gasoline and groceries. There's a way to make a lot of money on his policies. Everybody is panicking over the stock market this week, but that thirty-one-foot Mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
• US News and World Report reported a major slowdown in the growth of the Chinese economy on Monday that analysts call a slow-motion meltdown, which could affect world markets and crash the Shanghai Stock Exchange in China. We should have seen this coming. The red flags were everywhere.
• Supreme Court pro-abortion protestors stormed the homes where the justices live and shouted obscene chants Sunday. West Coast kids have a much different set of concerns than they do back East. In San Diego young people worry a reversal of Roe vs. Wade could affect their choice of Surf vs. Boogie Board.
• The Kelley Blue Book reported Monday that the demand for used cars in the U.S. has driven the average price of a used car to twenty-eight thousand dollars. It can fluctuate wildly on top of that. Yesterday I went online to check the value of my Cadillac, and it asked if my gas tank was empty or full.
• Secretary of State Anthony Blinken marked the seventy-seventh anniversary of Victory in Europe Day by citing the values of America and our allies and partners. As an unrepentant Anglo-American imperialist, I have only one question. Who do we invade to Christianize and take all their baby formula?
• Vladimir Putin sat on the parade stand Monday to view a Russian military parade in Red Square marking World War II Victory Day. He was in a foul mood. Bono just gave a surprise concert in a Ukrainian bomb shelter and Putin can't believe he missed a chance to instantly get the world on his side.
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