Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial riveted the country Friday with the gory and embarrassing personal details of their celebrity marriage gone bad. It is widely believed now that Depp fastened a clothes pin over his nose whenever he went to bed at night. He was hoping to achieve Heard immunity.

• Dave Chappelle ripped L.A.'s DA for not filing felony charges against his onstage attacker at the Hollywood Bowl. No charges were filed against Will Smith for assaulting Chris Rock, either. Now the January Sixth rioters could get off Scot-free by claiming the U.S. Capitol is just another comedy club.

• Senator Chuck Schumer reacted to the draft decision that'd strike down Roe vs. Wade by pushing a bill to legalize abortion and take it out of the Supreme Court's hands. We're getting decisive direction from the top. Joe Biden declared he's determined to reverse Roe vs. Wade and change it to Wade vs. Roe.

• Journal Lancet in Britain published a study of male sexual triggers that found that when women wear a leather dress, a man's knees go weak, breathing deepens, heartbeat increases, and his mouth gets dry. The symptoms say it all. Whenever a woman weathers a leather dress, she smells like a new car.

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• The London Daily Mail reports it appears Vladimir Putin has begun to purge old business allies after one of the wealthy oligarchs who run state monopolies was thrown off a building last week. Police said he died of natural causes, since after all, gravity is natural. It was recorded as corona virus.

• Texas famous rattlesnake handler Eugene De Leon was bitten on the shoulder by a rattlesnake while he was performing onstage with the snakes at the Texas Rattlesnake Roundup and died. The ambulance couldn't get him to the hospital on time. The question is, what did he have on Hillary?

• Caroline Kennedy was confirmed as Ambassador to Australia Friday. Her financials given to the Senate eight years ago revealed she's worth $500 million, and she's one of Joe Kennedy's 29 grandkids to whom he equally divided his fortune. Misers make the worst spouses but they make the best ancestors.

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