You still have a job? Really? That's so strange.
But these forms aren't. They're coming soon to a desk near you:
—To: All U.S., (nationality adjective) and (insulting adjective) employees.
Re: New and (silly adjective) payroll procedures.
Beginning next week, we will introduce (adjective) (proper noun) Inc. as our new payroll provider. This (adjective) company offers the broadest possible (plural noun) to cover the broad spectrum of needs found in (ridiculously overblown, back-patting adjective) companies like ours.
Indeed, it is one of the few providers of (adjective) (plural noun) in business today, legally.
What this means to you: As of our next (adjective) cycle, (number) percent of your paycheck will be directly deposited in (faraway country). In addition, another (number) percent of the remaining amount will be accessible only by activating the (office machine) on alternate (day of the week)s.
To obtain your remaining money, simply visit one of our (number less than 10) kiosks worldwide, and you will receive your cash in (name of foreign currency, plural).
We hope these easy and (adjective) procedures will make for a more (adjective) payroll process for everyone, especially those of you in (place that has bars on the windows and doors).
If you have any questions, please call (first name) in (department), who will be back in the office on (month and day) and again on (month and day and time between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.) and is eager to assist you.
—Beneficiary Designation Enrollment Form
Completion of this (noun) will allow you to select the beneficiary in the event of your death, dismemberment or loss of will ever to (job duty) again.
Only a beneficiary who qualifies as a great big (noun) will be eligible for a monthly payment upon your (adjective) death. Do not use this form upon dismemberment! Obtain form (number)-(letter)-(number) from the Division of Dismemberment, and if you can still hold a (writing implement), fill it out. If this is (expletive) impossible, have your (adjective) nurse complete the form.
1) I choose to have benefits paid in accordance with (number)-(bigger number) plan only.
Benefits will be paid in this order: First to your (type of pet). Second to your (distant relative). Third, fourth and fifth to (names of three co-workers of the opposite sex), which will cause tongues to wag, but what can you do?
2) I choose to have benefits paid to me posthumously.
3) I choose to have my benefits paid in (plural noun).
4) I choose not to be dismembered.
If none of the above meets your (adjective) needs, please attach a typed, signed, photocopied, folded and (adjective) list of all your (plural noun) in the above format, along with the relationship you have to each, if any, and why we should care. Which we don't.
Benefits thus designated will be paid directly to (name of highly disliked superior) because, face it, (name of same highly disliked superior) gets all the goodies, particularly if you are in too many pieces to do anything about it.