After wasting years of my life despising frivolous lawsuits, the
But don't they get it? She might win and pick up real cash!
Henceforth, consider me Mr. Stupid Lawsuits.
Because what America really needs -- besides an army of blood-sucking lawyers eager to clog the courts with stupid lawsuits -- is a list of stupid grievances that aren't really so stupid if I can make a buck from them.
Call them indignities if you will, or mortifications, agita-producers -- people or products -- that we can turn into a nice pile of moolah.
Like makers of potato chips with the broken pieces at the bottom. Probably 47 percent of the bag is air, maybe 42 percent. And 35 percent is broken crumbs. I'm suing.
Or what of those people who get into the "15 items or less" line at the supermarket with 23 items in their cart? Have you ever seen one of these time thieves kicked out of line and humiliated by the cashier? Of course you haven't.
So I want a million dollars.
"How about 'Calgon Take Me Away,'" Yonker said on
Or what about those people who ride up the escalator on the left side and just stand there like morons?
It's not that I'd trot up the left side. I'm happy just standing, without exertion. But what if you wanted to? They're denying us the opportunity. And that's worth money.
Or those professional sports leagues that refuse to sign slow, short, unathletic white guys to contracts in the
Check your privilege, sports leagues! How dare you discriminate against the people who buy lots of tickets? It hurts their feelings.
Or, when a two-lane highway merges into one lane, and instead of moving over right away, there are always a few jerks who cut around, then merge back in at the last second, causing much aggravation.
"Getting a few French fries mixed in with your onion rings order," said a colleague. "Doughnut frosting that sticks to the wrapping; inaccurate and embarrassing fortune cookie messages."
And, he added, "bra straps that slip off your shoulder (not mine, of course)."
That's got to be worth a couple of million right there. But just to make sure, I asked my wife.
"The bra straps? Women just hate it when that happens," she said.
So pull out your woman cards, and your man cards (if that's not yet a federal crime), or your whatever cards if you're not sure, and let's get cracking so I can file lawsuits.
For example. A few years ago, I tried that diet supplement now being hawked by
The main thing is that I don't look anything like
"I've been eating their cereal for decades, and still don't look like
And, he thinks we could get some cash out of
"I think we should sue
"Weather forecasters!" said
Yes, some weather forecasters deserve a public whipping, but I also want to sue
Why do people use "35 percent" all the time or "42 percent" or "47 percent" when they mean "less than half?" It aggravates me. You will hear from my lawyers, Jacoby!
"For running Viagra commercials during episodes of 'Supergirl,' which I watch with my 12-year-old daughter," says Mitchell. "Can it be true that men who need Viagra are the target audience for 'Supergirl'"?
That's a lawsuit waiting to happen, and a moutza too.
"I'd sue the airlines for shrinking the seats and jamming people into cabins like sardines," says
Happily, TSA has stayed away from my safe space, but then I don't fly much.
"How about suing those who refuse to sue?" asked
We'll sue them, too, Eddie. We'll sue them until we break them and transform them into piles of quivering goo.
Isn't that what lawyers are for?