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Jewish World Review May 28, 2004 / 8 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Random House on Wednesday moved up the release date of Bill Clinton's memoir by one week to June 22nd. The story he wrote of his life is nine hundred fifty-seven pages long. In an effort to top Wilt Chamberlain he listed each woman by name.

Henry Kissinger's 1970s phone transcripts released Wednesday show that President Nixon was sometimes drunk on the job. At last there's an explanation for the break-in at Democratic Party headquarters. It was three o'clock in the morning and the liquor stores were closed.

Al Gore gave a speech to a liberal group at New York University on Wednesday in which he denounced the Bush Administration. He ranted and he pounded and he yelled and he raged. After all this time he's still angry he didn't win American Idol.

The International Brotherhood of Police Officers last week backed John Kerry for president. He has always been a union supporter. Thanks to his union he has five mansions, four SUVs, a private jet and enough ketchup to flood the Netherlands.

The Washington Post ran more photos this week of naked male Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib Prison forced to assume humiliating homosexual poses. It proves one thing beyond the shadow of a doubt. San Francisco really is Baghdad by the Bay.

Jaguar says a huge diamond mounted onto a Jaguar Formula One car disappeared after the car crashed during a race in Monaco. So we have a British sports car, a missing diamond and Monaco. David Niven must have starred in this movie at least six times.

The National Football League hinted Monday they will move an NFL team to Los Angeles in three years. The players will adapt. It's a new environment but after a few concussions they will sound like they've lived in Los Angeles all their lives.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil futures hit forty-two dollars a barrel Tuesday. It's bad. The Chevron station in Beverly Hills charges three dollars per gallon for the only two grades available in Los Angeles, Self and Full of Self.

Wal-Mart announced Monday it will expand to the continent of Europe. It could drag the United States into a very ugly fight. Article Five of the NATO Charter says that an attack on one country's downtown business district is an attack on all.

John Kerry kicked off an eleven-day focus on national security in Seattle yesterday. People want to know what he would do with Iraq. The country is wealthy and unpredictable and there is every reason to believe he would marry it all over again.

John Kerry promised to decide this week if he will accept the nomination at the Democratic Convention or wait until one month after the convention to accept the nomination. The idea is ill-conceived, ill-advised and insane. He wants Americans to feel as comfortable as possible about changing horses in mid-stream.

Congress heard testimony from scientists Tuesday who reported the results of tests showing that marijuana does not help to cure Attention Deficit Disorder. It was an educated guess. The scientists couldn't remember where they left the data.

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