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Jewish World Review May 25, 2004 / 5 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Cracker Jacks was dropped by the New York Yankees concession stands last week after a century. The charm of the surprise inside has worn off. You never know these days if it's going to be a corked bat, a juiced ball, or a positive steroid test.

Saudi Arabia offered to help lower gasoline prices Sunday. It's just in time for the holiday. Americans are about to celebrate Gasover, when an angel stops by the door of every SUV and collects the first-born child in payment for a fill-up.

John Kerry and President Bush were profiled in the New York Times Sunday. The story covered their privileged upbringing, their Ivy League education and their rebellious behavior during a wild era. There are photographs of them eating carbohydrates back in the Seventies. Shrek 2 had a huge opening weekend of $100 million at the box office, with seventy percent of ticket-buyers vowing to see it again. Democrats were horrified to hear about the popularity of the green ogre. Will nothing make Ralph Nader go away?

John Kerry spent Sunday at Fenway Park in Boston watching the Red Sox defeat the Toronto Blue Jays. His reputation for long speeches preceded him. After the ballgame when he telephoned the winning locker room, they let the machine pick it up.

Bill Clinton was introduced by Bob Dole to an adoring crowd at the University of Kansas Friday. He said he was disturbed by the Abu Ghraib photos. If camera cell phones had been invented ten years earlier, Bob Dole would be president today.

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