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Jewish World Review May 17, 2004 / 26 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Massachusetts begins conducting same-sex marriage ceremonies today on Cape Cod. Each couple must vow to love, honor and obey the Geneva Convention on their honeymoon. Like the Republicans needed another reason to be against the whole thing.

The Bishop of Colorado Springs said Catholics who vote for John Kerry cannot receive communion until they repent. The candidate is now a venal sin. What Democrat hasn't dreamed of being mentioned in the same breath as Jack Kennedy, Bill Clinton and FDR.

U.S. military prison guard Charles Graner was charged Friday with conspiracy to maltreat detainees, dereliction of duty and cruelty. He was also charged with adultery. It sounds like they're throwing the book at him and it's Bill Clinton's autobiography.

Bill Clinton will be at the University of Kansas Friday to deliver the first lecture in a series named for Bob Dole. The two will be forever linked. Bob Dole was in a human trial for Viagra and Bill Clinton was in an impeachment trial for Viagra.

The London Daily Mirror fired its editor on Friday for running hoax photos of British troops apparently urinating on Iraqi prisoners. It's a bitter lesson for all tabloid editors. Live by the unauthorized leak, die by the unauthorized leak.

Sports Illustrated cited Tiger Woods as the top-earning athlete, with seventy-six million dollars in income last year. The magazine listed the fifty top moneymakers in sports. The second- highest earning athlete was whoever played golf the most with Michael Jordan.

Mexico's air force released stunning infrared footage Tuesday of UFOs flying in formation in the sky. It greatly alarmed the Mexican government. They cannot have been pleased to find out that there might be cheaper labor out there somewhere.

The Pentagon scrambled Friday to keep secret the new photos of Iraqi prisoners being sodomized with bananas. Meanwhile the hillbilly private who held the leash said she's pregnant. Alan King just died trying to fit all this information into one joke.

John Kerry released a new set of ads that try to sell him as a regular beer-drinking kind of guy. He's like any other Democrat. When he dies he wants to be buried in the Wal-Mart parking lot so his wife will visit him three times a week.

John Kerry began a television ad campaign Monday to tell the American people his life history. All the commercials begin with him saying the same thing. His name is John Kerry and he will approve this message as soon as he comes up with one.

Libya ended trade with North Korea, Syria and Iran Friday. Their top exports, in order, are missile guidance systems, heroin and uranium. It sounds like Moammar Khadafi wanted to launch a nuclear attack on some city but he didn't want it to hurt.

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