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Jewish World Review May 3 2004 / 12 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | American Idol made the cover of Entertainment Weekly on Friday. Reality shows have taken over prime time. This week on Nightline, Ted Koppel will read the names of all the actors and writers who have lost their homes since Survivor first went on the air.

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices will rise with OPEC's production cutback announcement Friday. It's begun to affect everyday life. People are so stingy with their gasoline that Billy Joel had to walk home from his last three car wrecks.

The Concord Coalition in Virginia complained Friday about pork projects and wasteful spending in the federal budget. Consider the Senate chaplain's salary. As occupations go, only mind readers in Los Angeles have fewer things to do all day.

John Kerry released a new wave of campaign ads Friday that discuss his life story. His campaign's research shows that millions of Americans don't know John Kerry saw combat in Vietnam. Ford must have named its new car the Focus based on wishful thinking.

Bill Clinton will give the keynote address and plug his memoir at BookExpo America in Chicago next month. He has to sell more books than Hillary did. If she has one more thing to hold over his head for the rest of his life, he will never see the sun again.

The Kentucky Derby was ordered by a federal judge Thursday to allow jockeys to advertise on the backside of their pants. The slowest horse will wind up making the most advertising money. Already next year's derby favorite is Plowing the Field.

Donald Trump signed with Clear Channel Radio Friday to give daily one-minute editorials this fall. He also announced he's marrying Melania Knauss. She will have thirteen weeks to impress him with her originality and eagerness or she's fired.

The American Lung Association said Wednesday that seven of the most polluted cities in America are in Southern California. It's a summer problem. In August the smog in Los Angeles is so thick tourists often mistake it for hillside property.

Teresa Heinz Kerry made the cover of Newsweek last Monday with an interview she gave revealing how new she is to national campaigns. For instance, she told John Kerry that when he talks to voters he should just be himself. That's terrible advice.

John Kerry addressed America's black mayors on Homeland Security Thursday in Philadelphia. He said the president hasn't done a good enough job monitoring the nation's chemical plants. At last report Mayor Barry was growing them on his balcony.

Ben Affleck was in Congress Thursday to lobby for a higher minimum wage. The raise proposed by Ted Kennedy hikes the minimum to seven dollars per hour. He thinks if they can get another million people laid off, the Democrats might win.

Ted Kennedy told the Senate Friday the Iraq War is the most reckless decision ever made by a U.S. president. How could he say that? Nothing will ever top the decision to integrate Southern schools then drive through Dallas with the top down.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton