Jewish World Review May 15, 2003 / 13 Iyar, 5763

Stan Sinberg

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Take me out of the bore-game | Every year before the baseball season begins, baseball writers and fanatics wax eloquently about the sports "sublime slowness," "leisurely pace," etc. In other words, vast amounts of time when absolutely nothing is happening. This allows plenty of opportunity to drink extra beers and get mad at your cellphone for not working and hurl it onto the field.

Baseball's so dull that the biggest baseball story of the year occurred when Dale Petroskey, the head of baseball's Hall of Fame, cancelled the ceremony honoring the 1988 baseball movie "Bull Durham" bec ause of anti-war comments made by two of the stars, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. It's pretty bad when a story about a fifteen year old film is better than anything you have going on right now. Speaking of which, "Bull Durham" is considered one of the best baseball movies ever made, but its most memorable scene is the "head shot" of Sarandon with Kevin Costner. .

In any case, it's no wonder baseball is losing fans to faster-paced sports like football, stock-car racing, wrestling, and watching grass grow! If baseball's going to survive, it's going to have to adapt for today's action-oriented audiences, and make some changes like these:

1. Before each pitch, a football linebacker charges the mound. .

2. Batters have grease on their hands so the bat flies out of their hands after each swing.

3. When a fly ball is hit, outfielders are catapulted into the sky to catch the ball while it's still in the air. .

4. "Fielder's Choice" plays are determined by instant fan Internet voting.

5. When a relief pitcher comes in, the first pitcher doesn't leave. BOTH pitchers throw at the batter simultaneously

6. When someone hits a home run, the closest fielder jumps into the stands and battles fans for the ball.

7. For every extra inning, players must remove another article of clothing.

8. The first-baseman can "hold" the runner using a headlock.

9. A different player is voted off the field every inning and not replaced.

10. The seventh-inning "stretch" is led by girls from Maxim.

11. When a manager argues with an ump: Knives.

12. One "mystery bat" each game contains explosives.

13. After a pitcher issues an intentional walk, the pposing team lines up and makes "chicken" sounds.

14. Fielders must wear big glove on each hand.

15. Every foul ball is worth $1000 - causing big fights in the stands.

16. Every inning the players drink a pint of beer of it chief sponsor.

17. A base-runner caught stealing is given electroshock therapy.

18. A sacrifice fly is followed by an actual sacrifice.

19. The fan arriving to the game with the most outrageous outfit plays shortstop.

20. The entire game takes place on roller-blades.

21. When a team stinks, highlights from other "glory years" are broadcast on the giant scoreboard - giving fans something to feel proud about, and further embarrassing the current players.

22. When a player "steals" a base, it disappears for the rest of the game, causing mass confusion.

23. The visiting team dresses up as members of some rogue terrorist nation.

24. Fans take up a collection for the lowest-paid player and try to bribe him to switch sides.

25. They show "Bull Durham" on the giant scoreboard screen during the game.

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JWR contributor Stan Sinberg is an award-Winning humor columnist, satirical radio commentator, author, musical-comedy revue playwright and corporate speaker, among other things. Comment by clicking here.


05/02/03: The best super powers

© 2003, Stan Sinberg