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• Boston marked Patriots Day by reenacting the Battle of Bunker Hill in colonial dress. Each of us has our own favorite Founding Father. My favorite Founder was the wise old Philadelphia sage who said while flying a kite in a lightning storm, Hi I'm Ben Franklin and welcome to Jackass!
• Los Angeles Police say they have a new way to test for both driving while stoned and driving while drunk, and it's diabolically accurate. For the West Hollywood roadside sobriety test, the deputy sheriff invites you to Taco Bell, and then he asks you to text your ex. If you say no to both, you're good. The Betty Ford Center reported a forty-year record for admissions due to the pandemic surge of alcohol and drug abuse during the shutdown. I got well at Betty Ford's in 1986 just in time to save my cognitive abilities. If alcohol can damage your short-term memory, just think of what alcohol can do.
• Warner Brothers pulled the plug on CNN+ and canceled the heavily promoted news and opinion streaming service after it drew only ten thousand subscribers in four weeks. The disaster sent shock waves across the political establishment in Washington DC. I've had milk that lasted longer than CNN+.
• L.A. County health chief Barbara Ferrer disregarded last week's federal court ruling and slapped mask mandates on bus riders, backed up by Dr. Fauci who snapped that the law should stay out of it. Science refuses to shut up and go away. The CDC now says after five dates you can ask, what are we?
• Vladimir Putin test-fired a hypersonic missile Tuesday so fast it can fly from Russia to L.A. in only forty minutes. The missile is so smart that at the 405 Freeway it takes the short cut on Sepulveda. All I can say is the missile had better get head shots and an agent or it's not going anywhere in this town.
• France president Emmanuel Macron won a round of elections Sunday even though it sounded to the French ear like the CDC named a variant after him. He gets kidded for his much older wife. His mood's been jubilant for weeks now that Queen Elizabeth's year of mourning is over and she's available.
• President Biden spoke in Seattle celebrating Earth Day Friday, vowing to spend billions of dollars making every U.S. military vehicle eco-friendly. So the next country that we invade had better have charging stations. If Dick Cheney were Joe Biden's VP, we'd be invading Holland for their windmills.
• President Biden answered a reporter's question about illegal immigration with a defense of mask rules on planes. I'll bite my tongue. Every time I think Hollywood is smarter than Washington, I must remember that Kim Kardashian once played in a Vegas poker tournament wearing mirrored sunglasses.
• Mike Tyson confronted a heckler on a flight and got taped giving him a beat down. My guess is the heckler picked the wrong place to make a joke about his wife's hair. Another explanation for Mike's assault is that they only serve peanuts on these long flights, and halfway to L.A. you get hungry for an ear.
Jackie Robinson was honored in the U.S. Capitol on the 75th anniversary of his integrating Major League Baseball. What a ceremony. It doubled the number of statues in the Rotunda because when it was revealed that Jackie was a lifelong Republican and Nixon supporter, the Democrats turned to stone.
• President Biden in his speech in Iowa this week promised Americans that adding ethanol to auto fuel will lower gas prices by ten cents per gallon. Biden has got to be seen trying something. Gasoline prices in the United States are so high, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard had to carpool to court Tuesday.
• President Biden said international courts will determine if Putin is a war criminal while Russians want Biden in court as well. Russian subscribers filed a suit against Netflix for cutting them off since they invaded Ukraine. They demanded over seven hundred thousand dollars and a return of The Office.
• New York police captured the subway shooter Frank James Wednesday after he was spotted at McDonald's. An African American, he posted videos spewing offensive insults at blacks, Latinos, Asians, whites, gays and women. He could spend the next five-to-ten years hosting the Academy Awards.
• New York police tracked down and arrested the Brooklyn subway shooter in less than a day Wednesday amid media frenzy. Detectives reports he fired thirty-three times into a subway car in an Asian neighborhood but wounded just five people. This guy would have been no help at Guadalcanal.
• New York Mayor Eric Adams said subway shooter Frank James' motives were unknown when his posts clearly reveal racial hate. Now cops are looking for any booby traps he left behind. New Yorkers were warned to be on the lookout for any suspicious packages and not just during the Miss New York Pageant.
• President Biden was applauded in an Iowa ethanol plant Tuesday when he removed restrictions on ethanol-mixed fuel for motor vehicles. The corn-based alcohol has long been a government subsidized solution for gas shortages. Ethanol is what you get when corn is mixed with your tax dollars.
• President Biden spoke in Iowa when a bird flying overhead relieved himself and the mess landed on the president's shoulder. I think the bird mistook him for a statue. Considering the price of gasoline and food and the fact that he was in Iowa, I'd say the president should be grateful that cows can't fly.
• Rio de Janeiro newspapers report that Brazil's government just supplied the Brazilian army with thirty-five thousand Viagra pills. Believe it or not, the little blue pills have their place in modern government administration. Economists who take Viagra are the first to say that a little inflation is good.
• Fox News reports that Russian troops and weapons are heading toward Eastern Ukraine having been repelled by the Ukrainians from taking Kiev. The Russian army's legend of invincibility has been shot to hell. When the war is over, will NATO be asking to join Ukraine? It would be a serious upgrade.
• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she tested positive for corona virus last week, prompting fears for President Biden's health, as she'd kissed him on the cheek Tuesday. However, the president was never in any danger of infection. Even Covid doesn't want to be seen photographed with Joe Biden.
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