Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The White House pointed to the sudden wealth created by today's soaring stock market Tuesday to say that the Biden economy is better than critics say. Yesterday, I bought fifty dollars worth of groceries and by the time I got home they were worth seventy-five dollars. Who can complain about that?

• L.A. received fifty million dollars Monday for street repairs in federal infrastructure money. Today I was awakened at 6 a.m. by a jackhammer outside. I got instantly mad at Elon Musk for taking us to space, making clean energy cars and restoring free speech, rather than inventing a silent jackhammer.

• ABC News reported about the brutally cramped living conditions in some parts of Los Angeles. I read where porn movie production is so busy that some stars sleep with four women every night. If a movie star is living in these kinds of conditions imagine the conditions average people must be suffering.

• The Detroit News reported last week that a class of Michigan kindergarteners accidentally drank tequila that someone had left in a water pitcher on the refreshment table. It didn't take very long to figure out. The kids from Flint were the first to notice that the water doesn't seem to have its usual kick.

• The U.S. Capitol was ordered evacuated by Capitol Police Wednesday after an unauthorized plane approached the building in highly restricted airspace. Members all know the drill. House Democrats stood on the steps of the Capitol and searched the skies looking for any Trump markings on the airplane.

• The National Mall in Washington, D.C., was filled up with celebrants smoking weed on the annual National Marijuana Day which always falls on the twentieth of April. It also happens to be Hitler's birthday. If Hitler had smoked weed, the only thing he would have invaded would have been the kitchen.

• The Russian Army deployed to Eastern Ukraine this week after being beaten back in the north as the Kremlin's threats against Western military aid to Ukraine escalated. In a Wednesday morning drill, Vladimir Putin test-fired his Satan 2 nuclear missile. At least Trump only names buildings after himself.

• Russia's Vladimir Putin test fired his hypersonic Satan 2 nuclear missile on Wednesday in anger over U.S. and Western military support for Ukraine's forces. I say we shut up and let Putin do his thing. Putin is the closest thing we've got to a real life Billionaire Bond Villain, and I want to watch it play out.

• The London Sun reported that Vladimir Putin is purging his Kremlin advisors. Late last night, Putin's hero Josef Stalin came to him in a dream and Putin asked him what he must do to keep control in Russia, and Stalin told Putin to execute ALL his closest advisors and paint the Kremlin blue. Putin asked, why blue, and Stalin smiled and said, that's my boy, I knew you wouldn't ask about the first part!

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• Johnny Depp's lawsuit for defamation against his ex-wife Amber Heard in Virginia was televised on the cable news channels Tuesday. There was a huge surprise in the middle of the testimony. The married-couple trash talk got so intense that Will Smith walked into the courtroom and slapped everyone.

• The White House agreed to allow oil companies to drill on desirable federal oil land but increased federal royalty rates, so it may not help at the pump. In L.A., gas prices are at their highest in history. Yesterday I went to pay at the pump, and my options were Cash, Credit Card, Kidney or Soul.

• The White House announced it will appeal the federal court decision to end the mask mandates on airline passengers. We've endured two long years of virus, lockdowns, misery, Fauci and mask rules. Sometimes I wonder if all this happened because I didn't forward that e-mail to ten other people.

• NBA playoffs action included one animal rights activist gluing herself to the court in the name of protecting chickens from slaughter. Shortly after I moved out to L.A., I tried to play the hero to some girls when I killed a gigantic mouse with a baseball bat. I haven't been allowed back in Disneyland since.

• Elon Musk encouraged stockholder lawsuits against the Twitter Board of Directors for censoring conservative content and driving down business. The board claims it wants to keep fake news from being accepted as news. I'm so old I can remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

• CNN pundits ripped the idea of Elon Musk buying Twitter Friday, reflecting the left's horror over the prospect of possibly losing exclusive control of the daily narrative. To keep Elon Musk from seizing control of social media, Twitter's considering a drastic measure. They may temporarily allow free speech.

• The Taliban rulers prompted international outrage last week by banning all girls from schools in Afghanistan. I can imagine the questions in math class from this regime. If you bring three lunch boxes into your classroom and give one to your friend and one to your teacher, calculate the blast radius.

• The Boston Globe reports a Boston College student was watching the Marathon from his third-floor dorm window and fell out the window. Luckily he landed unhurt on top of a pile of trash bags. Later a Kenyan fell out of the same window, and beat his time to the ground by three-fifths of a second.

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