• The Motion Picture Academy Board of Governors met to decide how to punish Will Smith for slapping Chris Rock onstage at the Academy Awards telecast. They decided to ban Smith from attending the Oscars for ten years. I guess he will have to sit at home and not watch it like everybody else.
• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reported she tested positive for Covid, which continued to infect White House staffers and Members of Congress. Precautions are on the rebound for safety's sake. Los Angeles just reinstituted the mask mandate to prevent people from being slapped by Will Smith.
• Big Oil executives testified before the House Energy Committee where lawmakers were told of all the world market forces causing the pain at the pump. Gasoline prices are so high here in West Hollywood that the mailman has begun working from home. Today he called and read me my bills.
• Alec Baldwin filed an arbitration demand from producers of the movie Rust claiming he was not liable for the shooting of the movie's cinematographer he shot. He's getting a lot of legal advice. The best advice came from O.J. Simpson who advised Alec to make it look like his finger doesn't fit the trigger.
• The London Daily Mail reported that Vladimir Putin is becoming increasingly isolated inside the Kremlin. He's often confused by his country's eleven time zones. Last week Putin called to console the wife of a Siberian politician killed in a helicopter crash, and the helicopter hadn't even taken off yet.
• White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki stood horrified as she was badgered by young network TV reporters demanding to know why the U.S. won't go to war with Russia. Young adults have no idea how dangerous the Soviet Union used to be. They've never seen a Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.
• President Biden caused a war scare during a speech to union workers saying that if he is going to war with Russia, he wants to go into battle with them by his side. The scariest thing about starting World War III is that this time, the Germans are on our side. The Germans haven't won a World War yet.
• President Biden wandered off script and into the ozone again during a speech Thursday. He said America can be defined in one word, then described an imaginary hike he took with President Xi in the the Himalayas. Sometimes I just listen to Biden and think, the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
• Nat Geo hired divers, scientists and filmmakers to create a protected oceanic environment for sea life safe from man. Last week in Hawaii a scuba diver was hospitalized after his penis got caught inside a giant clam. Sometimes the scripts for Law and Order Special Victims Unit just write themselves.
• The Weather Channel issued a long-range forecast predicting the United States will experience an unusually hot summer in the South and in the Desert Southwest. We have to watch out for each other. McDonald's should have a flag they'll fly at half-staff whenever the ice cream machine is broken.
• The Daily Mail reported cellular biologists in England Friday were able to reverse the age of skin cells by thirty years. Leave it science to extend human life just when we're about to blow up the entire planet for Ukraine's right to join NATO. As for me I'm not getting older, I'm becoming a milder variant.
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