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Jewish World Review April 30, 2004 / 9 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Kobe Bryant got a police escort from Los Angeles Airport to get to the Lakers game on time Wednesday. He was returning from his hearing in Colorado. Los Angeles is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow at Churchill Downs in Louisville. With twenty thoroughbreds running in the race and no overwhelming favorite, the bookies are predicting a record betting haul. A racetrack is a place where windows clean people.

Bill Clinton announced Tuesday he will promote his memoir all summer starting in June. Comedians reacted in unison. After three and one half years of honor and dignity and fidelity inside the White House, our long national nightmare is over.

General Motors unveiled prototypes of hydrogen-fueled cars on Wednesday. The chemists think they can make hydrogen fuel from common bacteria. If we can power our cars with bacteria, the Los Angeles porno industry could be the new Saudi Arabia.

The U.S. Senate broke out in hot debate Thursday over the Vietnam War service of John Kerry and George Bush. One thing cannot be argued. If Baby Boomers were any more self-centered, the Iraq War would have to hire a publicist to get noticed.

John Kerry ended a three-day tour of factory towns with a visit to Ann Arbor Wednesday. He begged for new technologies. John Kerry's campaign would be problem-free today if somebody had ever invented a combination combat medal and boomerang.

Elton John claimed Tuesday that American Idol viewers are racists who refuse to vote for black women. It's sad but true. The latest polls show that Americans overwhelmingly vote to blame George Tenet for the 9-11 attacks over Condoleezza Rice.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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