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Jewish World Review April 28, 2004 / 7 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Ole Miss quarterback Eli Manning was dealt to New York because he refused to play in San Diego. He rejected year-round perfect weather for the Alex Rodriguez experience. They hit a lot harder than anyone thought in the Southeastern Conference.

Southern California boiled under hundred-degree temperatures Monday caused by Santa Ana winds. It was awful. The heat was so intense that Robert Blake, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson held a press conference to welcome everybody to the club.

Bill Clinton said Monday his memoir My Life will be published this June. The indecency crackdown could interfere with the book tour. If Howard Stern can't talk about breasts on the air, how is Bill Clinton going to discuss his presidency?

The White House was picketed on Sunday by anti-war Hollywood actresses. They are an underused resource. If President Bush had sent Winona Ryder into Iraq she would have found the chemical weapons and walked them out without anybody noticing.

ABC News on Monday aired a 1971 interview with John Kerry in which he said he threw nine of his medals over the White House fence. On Monday he explained they were his ribbons, not his medals. Hippies hated Richard Nixon but not enough to choke his dog.

Maria Shriver told a women's group in Beverly Hills Monday her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger is more compassionate and considerate than he's ever been. It's his favorite time of year. The grapefruits are ripe and he can't be sued by a tree.

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