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Jewish World Review April 22, 2004 / 1 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Boston Marathon was run Monday over twenty-six miles of the city's Back Bay section. A woman was first to cross the finish line for the first time in history. The women got a half-hour head start under the Arnold Schwarzenegger rule.

The Lundberg Survey reported Tuesday that gasoline prices at the pump just hit an all-time high. Oil is forty dollars a barrel. This summer if you want to take a trip without the kids, the Automobile Club recommends LSD and birth control pills.

The Apprentice finale starring Donald Trump topped the weekly viewer ratings Thursday and the fellow who won will oversee construction of a Trump tower in Chicago. Working for Donald Trump will begin a new chapter in his life. Typically it's Chapter Eleven.

Hollywood ordered all porno movie shooting shut down on Friday due to an HIV outbreak at the studios. It didn't stop the action. By Tuesday, sex addicts were lined up outside the video stores for the first day's release of Debbie Does Nothing.

The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld the NFL draft rules Monday. They keep players from turning pro until they are three years out of high school. This will result on Saturday in a much weaker draft, so it's no surprise that it's sponsored by Coors.

Heinz executives were reported Tuesday to have donated to President Bush and given nothing to Teresa Heinz Kerry's husband. Everyone is surprised that Heinz doesn't support John Kerry. He has fifty-seven varieties of positions on every issue.

John Kerry released Vietnam War records Tuesday showing he took shrapnel in the arm, the thigh and the left buttock. It's a subject that comes up frequently on the campaign trail. He takes an hour to explain it to airport screeners every day.

America West announced that the struggling airline posted a first quarter profit. Costs were slashed three ways. They cut out unprofitable routes, they cut down on worker overtime, and the pilots have to settle for well drinks instead of call drinks.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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