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Jewish World Review April 15, 2004 /25 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Barry Bonds homered in San Francisco Monday, tying Willie Mays on the all-time list. Every time he crosses home plate, he points up and gives a silent thanks. He learned from the Martha Stewart trial not to say one word while the feds could be watching.

The White House proposed a new spy agency modeled on England's famed MI-5. The CIA does need an overhaul. The question is, how are we going to turn Maxwell Smart into James Bond without it looking like an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Spy?

President Bush told reporters Tuesday he has been informed that Libya concealed mustard gas in a turkey farm. The Libyans were so grateful it was all found in time. Mustard and turkey are two of the key ingredients in building a delicatessen.

Janet Reno testified Tuesday for the September 11th Commission. She admitted she never briefed John Ashcroft about the existence of al-Qaeda sleeper cells in the U.S. She spent eight years turning a blind eye to whoever was sleeping with whom.

John Kerry toured New York Wednesday with Hillary Clinton. She could help him shorten his sentences and stop boring his audiences. Bill Clinton gets right to the point ever since Hillary forced him to attend twelve-step meetings at On and On.

John Kerry did Democratic fundraisers Monday in his quest to raise a hundred million dollars for his presidential campaign. The last two times he raised a hundred million dollars, he had to drop to one knee and propose. Until the U.S. Supreme Court legalizes polygamy, John Kerry's fundraising skills are really wasted.

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