Jewish World Review April 5, 2004 /14 Nisan, 5764
important news ....
Wisconsin student Audrey Seiler was revealed on Friday to
have faked her own abduction. She lied to investigators and caused
a media circus. Martha Stewart has just chosen Audrey Seiler from
dozens of other contestants to be her apprentice.
John Kerry reported raising fifty million dollars Friday. He
can now afford lots of paid TV ads. In addition, John Kerry gets a
lot of free television time, which includes news interviews,
public statements, and reruns of The Munsters.
Al-Qaeda released a list on the Internet Thursday of
suggested human targets for its killers. Americans and Britons
topped the list. It's oddly pleasing to Anglo-Saxon vanity to
learn that the Germans and the French aren't worth the effort.
Saudi Arabian clerics blamed the nation's drought Friday on
the activities of sinful women. Life is harsh there. If women in
Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned, unlike the women in
Los Angeles, who get stoned and then commit adultery.
The European Union fined Microsoft six hundred million
dollars last week for what the EU considers unfair trade. The
company is left with two choices. As of this weekend, Bill Gates
hasn't decided if he's going to pay the fine or buy Europe.
Richard Clarke went on Hardball with Chris Matthews
Wednesday and discussed the differences between the past two
administrations. He said President Bush wasn't on top of
everything like President Clinton was. That's because President
Bush did whatever his advisers told him to do, while President
Clinton did whatever Buddy did.
The Muppets, it was announced Friday, will travel to the
Middle East next week to lobby for peace between Israelis and
Palestinians. Unfortunately the Muppets will never get through
airport security. Any fool can see they've got hidden arms.
Condoleezza Rice testifies before the September 11th
Commission Thursday. Why was she expected to see the attacks
coming? Contrary to what late-night cable TV commercials imply,
not all black women were born with the gift of fortune telling.
The White House vowed revenge Thursday against the criminals
in Fallujah who committed atrocities against U.S. civilians
working in Iraq last week. It won't go unanswered. The Weather
Channel says the five-day forecast for Fallujah is two days.
John Kerry is resting in Boston after shoulder surgery. He
had torn rotator cuff surgery following his eyelid surgery after
surgery to remove his cancerous prostate, not to mention a
recurring cough. No wonder Hillary wants to be his vice president.
U.S. Capitol Police Chief Terry Gainer said Thursday he
wants a security fence around the Capitol building and the
congressional office buildings. The iron fence would be manned by
armed guards. Congressmen already get to vote themselves pay
raises and have a cushy medical plan and free postage and now they
want Martha Stewart Living.
The Internal Revenue Service said Thursday fifty million
returns haven't yet been filed. Electronic filing still has a few
bugs in the system. They're still trying to figure out how to get
the shirt off your back through the telephone lines.
Oprah Winfrey is being investigated by the FCC over a discussion on her show about teen sex slang. It's so cute. The details aren't printable but suffice to say that what goes on behind the gym has completely ruined the good name of Lewinsky.
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