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Jewish World Review March 31, 2004 /9 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Minnesota's former governor Jesse Ventura hinted he may run for president four years from now. It's sad. After the box office success of Spider Man and Scooby-Doo, no self-respecting cartoon character should have to settle for government work.

H.J. Heinz Company wrote to TV and radio talk show hosts Monday. They asked them to stop linking the Kerry campaign to the Heinz company. Just their luck, Teresa Heinz married a guy who is despised by twenty-five states that pour ketchup on everything.

John Kerry will have surgery today in Boston for what his campaign says is a tear in his right shoulder. Doctors warned him he will be unable to shake hands for a month. If he lets anyone get that close to him they will see he's had a face lift.

John Kerry criss-crossed the country all week trying to raise twenty million dollars for his campaign. It's been tough sledding. Every time the Democrat asks for two thousand dollars people tell him they can get a cheaper candidate in India.

The September 11th Commission heard testimony from Bush and Clinton aides in the U.S. Capitol without anyone admitting one mistake. This is why The Statue of Truth in the Capitol Rotunda isn't a good depiction. It doesn't have any stretch marks.

Major League Baseball said Monday steroid tests may begin next season. Damage control is already underway. This year all clubhouse spreads will be meat and eggs and cheese so Barry Bonds can blame his drop in home runs on the Atkins Diet.

NFL owners slapped a fifteen yard penalty on players who showboat by dancing together in the end zone. They got way too festive. Players used to look at the sideline camera and say hello to their mothers but now they propose to Liza Minnelli.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton