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• Fox News reports of a bio-lab in Ukraine could incite the same survivalist panic that the Wuhan Lab leak provoked two years ago. So may I be the first to advise if your supermarket is out of toilet paper tonight, just go to CVS and buy anything. Their receipts are the same size as a roll of toilet paper.
• The White House reacted to the huge jump in February's inflation numbers posted Thursday by blaming high gas prices on Russia's invasion of Ukraine. They cited Russia for the higher price of food at the grocery store as well. President Biden just blamed the high cost of bread on Vladimir Gluten.
• Oil and Gas Journal reported that gasoline prices at the pump jumped fifty cents in one week last week breaking the all-time record. My nightmares are starting to merge. I dreamed last night that Dr. Fauci came back on CNN and ordered no driving for fifteen days until we flatten the gas price curve.
• The Auto Club reported gas prices in Los Angeles hit seven dollars a gallon on Friday. That day at the Exxon station in West Hollywood, I inserted my credit card into the fuel pump and after a brief delay the screen flashed this printed message. Lift nozzle and begin fueling, your loan has been approved.
• Congress heard testimony from officials from the National Intelligence Estimate Wednesday who told lawmakers Vladimir Putin is paranoid, isolated and dangerous and he could lash out and go nuclear. I simply can't believe it's already World War III season. I still have my Omicron decorations up.
• Jussie Smolette was sentenced for hiring two Nigerians to don MAGA hats and stage a fake hate crime on him in Chicago. The Nigerian who beat him up is his coke dealer and later they had gay sex in a sauna. The judge weighed all the evidence and sentenced Jussie to 4 years as mayor of West Hollywood.
• The Supreme Court refused to hear the prosecution's appeal of a lower decision that overturned Bill Cosby's conviction for drug-raping women by putting them to sleep with pills he slipped in their drinks. The acquittal is a historic decision. This was the one time Bill Cosby got off without barbiturates.
• The Hollywood Reporter noted that the Academy Award voting is underway in Hollywood amid controversial overseas policies. China has been editing American movies for Chinese audiences. The South China Post film critic's pick for Best Picture at the Oscars is The Power of the Dog on the Menu.
• Major League Baseball will open on time in April after owners reached agreement with players Thursday ending the three month labor lockout. Millions of fans like me can't wait for the season to start. The thing I love most about Major League Baseball games is that they don't have a halftime show.
• The Atlantic League will use a computer to call balls and strikes this season. Instead of arguing with the umpire, managers will have to call tech support. If this idea makes it to the Major Leagues and I were Cleveland, I'd go back to being the Indians, just in case the close calls are all made in New Delhi.
• Runner's World this month prescribed jogging as the most heart healthy exercise for aging Baby Boomers. It so happens I tripped hard jogging in Beverly Hills Sunday night and bruised my ribs. I told the doctor on the phone it really hurts when I laugh, so he told me not to watch Biden for two weeks.
• The Washington Post urged TCM hosts to warn viewers before it runs Gone with the Wind, Birth of a Nation, or Woody Allen's Manhattan during TCM's Oscars month. Art cannot go un-supervised. Next, TCM will be pressured to stop airing the Wizard of Oz because it is offensive people without brains.
• President Biden told reporters Wednesday he can do nothing about the high price at the pump and blamed it on the Russians. In a related story, the IRS is giving taxpayers a choice on how to get your refund. You may have your refund either mailed to your address or direct deposited into your gas station.
• U.S. intelligence experts report Russian opposition to Vladimir Putin's Ukraine invasion strategy is spreading from street protests to Kremlin leadership councils over Putin's scorched earth policy. The Russian ruble hit a new low Thursday. In fact it's worth less than the Russian cease-fire agreement.
• Vladimir Putin allowed cameras into his cabinet meeting Tuesday where he said the war is going according to his plan. A photographer caught Putin looking red-eyed and glancing sideways, and with his hands over his mouth. This was the moment he realized that Ukrainians are nothing like the French.
• Ukraine's President Zelensky demanded the U.S. provide a no-fly zone as Putin said a no-fly zone will cause an all-out war with the West. Every day the rhetoric is escalating more irrationally. The other night, Putin called Zelensky a Nazi, and they weren't even arguing about something on Facebook.
• Former Secretary of State and National Security Advisor Condi Rice joined the chorus of former officials who know Putin and say something's not right with him. On Wednesday, his forces fired a missile in Kiev that struck a maternity hospital. Putin had to be talked out of claiming that the babies fired first.
• President Biden acknowledged that he will authorize the import of more oil from Saudi Arabia to help lower gas prices. He tried to call the Saudi Crown Prince Tuesday, but the call was not picked up. His handlers will let Joe try again today, only this time with the cell phone instead of with the remote.
• The University of Maryland Medical Center disclosed that David Bennett, the terminally ill heart patient who received a historic heart transplant from a pig, died Wednesday, two months after the operation. Although he's gone his last words to the world are certain to live on forever. That's all, folks!
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