Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The Daily Mirror reported that Vladimir Putin told the French president in a phone call that he's taking all of Ukraine and raising the nuclear threat. Just when Covid stops killing people, Putin risks World War III for no reason. And now no one thinks of basketball when they hear March Madness.

• The Centers for Disease Control on Saturday issued a statement finally agreeing to drop its face mask rules nationwide. The virus held Americans hostage a year longer than Iran once did. But in the end, researchers determined that the science has changed after carefully examining the poll numbers.

• President Biden took a victory lap to Ohio for a speech Wednesday to tout the accomplishments of his administration that he could remember. The president got good news following his speech to the nation Tuesday. A huge majority of Americans said he delivered a wonderful State of Confusion.

• The U.S. and Britain led NATO refusals to provide Ukraine with air cover for fear of combat with Russia. There is little public stomach for another land war after twenty-five years of U.S. conflicts in the Balkans, Iraq, Syria, Somalia and Afghanistan. War is the Lord's way of teaching Americans geography.

• Joe Biden's big gaffe Tuesday was stating Putin may surround Ukraine but he'll never win the hearts of the Iranian people. He stopped short of mispronouncing Ukraine and declaring his support for the people of Cocaine. He doesn't need to, Joe already has the full support of the entertainment industry.

• Senator Kirsten Gillibrand hugged President Biden on camera right after his State of the Union speech and told him he knocked it out of the park. He received forty-three standing ovations. That's because every time Joe successfully completed a sentence, both parties leaped to their feet and cheered.

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• The London Daily Mail interviewed a top Russian foreign policy advisor who broke ranks with Putin and said he's appalled by the decision to invade Ukraine. What's one more world crisis at this point? I'm just sitting here waiting for the CDC to tell me I have to wear a mask during a nuclear attack.

• Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was hailed by the media as the second coming of Winston Churchill Friday for his defense of democracy. Their brand of democracy threatens my livelihood. In Ukraine they have elected a comedian to be president, and in my book that's cutting out the middle man.

• NATO countries agreed Thursday they'll fully back Ukraine's army with the shipment of military weapons, but they could be clearing away old stock. Germany is sending Ukraine three thousand former East German hand-held, anti-aircraft missiles which are fifty years old. Whose side are they on?

• President Biden got low approval ratings in ABC's poll Tuesday for his Ukraine war policy. Well if nothing else, Putin has taken Let's Go Brandon to the next level. It looks like the only way we can stop Russia now is if enough Hollywood celebrities record themselves in their mansions singing Imagine.

• The World Court got a petition from Ukraine President Zelensky asking it to indict Putin for war crimes. If nothing else Putin is spreading the knowledge of Slavic politics. Yesterday I thought I saw my neighbor's kid in the hallway trying to say Volydymyr Zelenskyy but he was just choking on a Mars bar.

• President Biden revealed his energy policy in his State of the Union Tuesday. It states we should cut our own oil production and instead buy oil from people that hate us so they'll have the money to kill us if they feel tough enough to try it. As an Anglo-Saxon, I must applaud Biden for his sense of fair play.

• President Biden blamed the Russian invasion of Ukraine for the most recent spike in oil prices in his State of the Union speech Tuesday. He vowed to cure inflation with one trillion dollars in new federal spending. That's like trying to reform a beautiful call girl by making her a fraternity house mom.

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