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At birthday parties, he's last in line for treats or activities because he lets everyone cut in front. On the playground, he's the favorite target for tag because he lets himself get pushed down. My husband wants him to push back (physically) so he doesn't get labeled an easy mark.
My son refuses because it's against the rules to push, and he would rather be sad about getting pushed down than be in trouble with the grown-ups who respond so positively to his good behavior. What's a good way forward here?
A: There are many factors to consider when it comes to your son asserting himself: the temperament of your child, the messages he gets from home and the cultural expectations of boys in general.
Let's begin with your son's temperament. You say he is a rule follower, and I get the feeling that he was born like this, unless there's a trauma you haven't mentioned. If your son wants to please, if he is aware of others' desires and wishes, and if he is wary of pushing his way to the front, you may need to accept that this is who he is.
I know we Americans prize being first and being brash and aggressive, but many people are simply not born to be like this. I am not suggesting that you allow your son to literally get pushed around, but I do want to encourage you to fully accept your son for who he is.
Why is it important to fully accept your son, even when it is painful to watch him get pushed out and pushed around? First, "toxic masculinity," which is a big buzzphrase these days, is real for young boys and men. It appears in our society as boys being tough, showing little to no vulnerability and using physicality and intimidation to get to the top or the front of the line.
This type of masculinity has worked (in a way) for men for time eternal, but it has come with a high cost to both men and women. Sensitive, emotional, creative, patient and kind boys have either been terribly bullied, ignored or manipulated to join along in this toxicity, but times are changing. Instead of weak, try to see all of his good and needed characteristics, such as being beloved by teachers, generous and peaceful.
So, obviously, I do not want your husband to coach your son to "push back," no matter how satisfying it would be to watch your son do so.
What to do? You want to keep your son's sensitivity, but be aware that getting pushed around by his peers (and bullied) could lead to depression, anxiety and anger that will only hurt your son.
Here are some ideas of how to help him:
• Contact the teacher and counselors and alert them to the dynamics in the school. Don't assume that they know what is happening; the information will not only help your son, but it will also help the pushy kids.
• Find activities or areas in which your son can lead. Boy Scouts, hiking, planning a trip - anything that gives your son some positive power to lead. Nothing has to be perfect, but give him the opportunity to feel power in a positive way.
• Read books and watch movies where men and boys lead with compassion, intelligence and peace. Thankfully, there are more and more stories out there to share with your son.
• Allow your son to vent his feelings of sadness and frustration to you without immediately offering fixes and solutions. Listening to your son provides a powerful buffer between him and his peers; never underestimate this loving act.
• Create solutions together for how to deal with pushy children. You will know if you are pushing too much (irony, much?) by the way your son reacts, so be attentive to both his words and body language.
• Find other children who are gentle, and make a community with them. I know this can be hard, but there are other children in your son's class like him, and pizza nights or park gatherings can help your son to see that he doesn't need to become a bully to live in this world.
Good luck!
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Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
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