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Jewish World Review March 23, 2004 /1 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | John Kerry skied in Sun Valley over the weekend where he fell down six times during his first run down the hill. He fell feet-first three times, and then he fell head-first three times. John Kerry even has two positions on breaking his neck.

Paul Bremer said Sunday Iraq will be a sovereign nation on June 30th. They must break their old habits. Otherwise it's like the Australian bushman who was given a brand new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to throw the old one away.

John Kerry released fundraising numbers Sunday showing he was running low on campaign cash. He spent more than he took in last month and he's down to two million in the bank. The situation is so bad his wife now takes her purse to the bathroom with her.

Martha Stewart asked friends last week to write character reference letters to her judge. Her urine sample raised suspicions in the probation department. When most people test positive for oregano, it means they buy their pot on street corners.

John Kerry admitted to a St. Patrick's Day breakfast in Boston he's not really Irish, but that his Jewish grandfather changed his name to Kerry. He then told the Irish crowd he's also English. The lesson here is to quit while you're ahead.

French elections, in the first round Sunday, gave major gains to the far-right party headed by Jean Le Pen. He has praised Adolf Hitler. His popularity could cause American politicians and comedians to throw out all their French pacifist material.

Donald Trump on CNN Sunday boasted about the success of his new television show. This guy doesn't know show business. Today he's on top of the world, but tomorrow he could be homeless and pushing a shopping cart with a cardboard sign on it that reads Trump Cart.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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