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Jewish World Review March 18, 2004 /25 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Coaching legends Tom Osborne and Dean Smith endorsed a petition banning beer commercials in college sports. It's a losing battle. Albert Einstein decided to split the atom because he couldn't think of a way to separate his students from beer.

Martha Stewart resigned from her company's board Friday after her conviction for lying to the Justice Department. Her friends couldn't believe how the government turned every aspect of her life inside out. Up until now, most of the Democratic donors in the Hamptons thought colonoscopy was the Secretary of State or something.

John Kerry did not march in a St. Patrick's Day parade on Wednesday. He found out last summer he's not really Irish. A genealogical chart done by the Boston Globe shows he's the direct descendant of Ted Baxter from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

John Kerry spoke to a veterans group meeting in West Virginia on Tuesday. It was very emotional. John Kerry comforted one veteran whose cracked ribs force him to change positions every three hours, or maybe he just identified with the guy.

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