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Jewish World Review March 9, 2004 /16 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Martha Stewart is facing mandatory jail time after being convicted on Friday by a New York jury of lying to federal investigators. She won't be going to a country club prison. She can't get in because they just found out she's really Polish.

Martha Stewart's show was canceled by WCBS in New York after the jury found her guilty Friday. Kmart is sticking by her. Martha Stewart's newest wallpaper design is a tasteful pattern of calendars with an X through every day for the next two years.

Martha Stewart's jurors said Sunday they didn't like Rosie O'Donnell sitting in the courtroom in support of the defendant. How hapless was this defense strategy? Rosie O'Donnell was summoned as a character witness because Al Gore wasn't available to give the jury summation.

Mexico's President Vicente Fox obtained the same rights for Mexican tourists in the U.S. that Canadians enjoy. It's about time. Americans are sick and tired of the Canadians coming down to this country and taking jobs away from our Mexicans.

The San Francisco Chronicle says Barry Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson gave the slugger steroids. There's an easy way out of this. Under local law, Barry Bonds can marry his trainer and then they can't be forced to testify against each other.

Hillary Clinton spoke at the Gridiron Dinner in Washington Saturday. It's an annual get-together where politicians and reporters exchange friendly ribbing. When Hillary said the State of the Union was strong, everybody was glad to hear that Bill is still fooling her.

John Kerry said Sunday he may go to Baghdad and survey the situation in Iraq for himself. Once you've been shot at and missed, you think you're bulletproof. All senators think that way, right up until the day the mistress decides to write a book.

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