Keeping the peace in a Hillary vs. Bernie marriage

Shortly after news broke Tuesday that Spike Lee is endorsing Bernie Sanders for president, Lee's wife, Tonya Lewis Lee, took to Twitter to reiterate her support for Hillary Clinton.

A house divided is nothing new. We've all read musings about politically mismatched marriages (some more successful than others): Kennedy descendant Maria Shriver and Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger, Democratic political consultant James Carville and Republican presidential adviser Mary Matalin, and so on.

But a couple that shares the same political ideals, and differs on which leader should enact them? That might be trickier.

"I think it's harder and may create more tension than being in a conservative/liberal marriage," says Kelley Kitley, a licensed clinical social worker who provides couples counseling at her Chicago practice. "Chances are you knew your partner was a liberal or conservative before you married them, so you knew what you were getting into. It comes as more of a shock when you share common core values and you disagree who the best candidate is."

Especially during an election as emotionally charged as this one.

So should divided couples keep politics off the table and stick to more benign topics, like who Bachelor Ben is going to choose in the final rose ceremony?

Not at all, Kitley says.

"Nothing in marriage should be off-limits to talk about," she says. "If you have to cut off healthy political conversation in your household there are most likely bigger issues in the marriage."

Besides, she added, you may learn a thing or two from talking to your partner about your chosen candidates — including how to more eloquently defend your own choice.

That said, Kitley offers a few guidelines for the Bernie vs. Hillary (or Trump vs. Cruz or Rubio vs. Carson) conversations.

"Don't make personal digs toward your partner for their viewpoints or interest in a candidate," she said. Especially, "Of course you'd vote for Hillary because you are a woman."

(Yeah, really never say that.)

"Don't take it personally," she said. "You're married to your partner, not the candidate. Your relationship with your candidate, if they win, will be much shorter than with your spouse."

And if your spouse's pick defeats your pick, resist the temptation to resent your spouse.

"Resentment in a marriage is dangerous and can lead to negative behaviors," Kitley says. "Differences in opinion keep marriage interesting. Your partner's passion and knowledge about their candidate could be a turn on if you shift your perspective and aren't so defensive."

Previously:

• 11/17/14: Kardashian's flaunting her chassis exposes her value system — and nobody else's

Heidi Stevens
Chicago Tribune
(TNS)

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Heidi Stevens writes for the Chicago Tribune.