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March 29th, 2024

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What really happens at a Dem debate

Alexandra Petri

By Alexandra Petri

Published Feb. 15, 2016

I keep watching these things so you don't have to. I wish someone else would watch them for me. I went into this election season a comparatively young woman, spry and filled with hope, and now I am a crippled and elderly crone typing this with one hand and shouting for metamucil.

Here, however, is what transpired Thursday evening:

Gwen Ifill: Hello and welcome to the Democratic debate, on PBS. First, because this is a good use of everyone's time: Hillary Clinton, why don't women like you?

Clinton: I think it is less that women don't like me, Gwen, and more that people don't like me. And, again, if I knew what was causing this, you bet your life it would not be the case any longer.

Judy Woodruff: Senator Clinton, is it true that women will go to hell if they don't support you?

Clinton: For the last time, no, of course not. I would never put another woman through what I am going through right now. (Senator Sanders waggles his hand in the air.)

Woodruff: Yes, Senator? Is something the matter?

Sanders: I cannot seem to get a cab.

Ifill: Senator Sanders, are you a one-issue candidate who will bring everything back to campaign finance?

Sanders: Listen, Gwen, that is far from the case. However, I do believe that all of our problems could be solved if we ended the rigged economy and stopped letting sinister billionaires control everything through their super PACs. They do it in Europe! Why not here?

Ifill: But, like, just as a test question, what do you think about football?

Sanders: Gwen, I believe that football in America is controlled by sinister billionaires. In Europe, football is run by a whole different system with entirely different rules. Why not here? Dream big, I say!

Clinton: I think it is important to dream in bite-sized, easily digestible chunks.

Woodruff: What would you do about health care?

Sanders: Listen, Gwen! We can have universal health care! Europe has it! If it weren't for the Sinister Billionaires, with their super--

Clinton: But how? How, though?

Sanders: By taking on the drug companies and the big corporations! Just inspire people and create a movement and then -- presto! I think. I have never done this before, but if it is as easy as running for president, it should go quite smoothly. I just walked into this race as a 74-year-old white man who described himself as a socialist and here I am just sweeping up the states. Sweeping them up! It's amazing.

Clinton: How? Please tell me how. On any of this. I have been trying to inspire people with an invigorating cocktail of pragmatism, reality, and just the faintest frisson of desperation and disbelief that this is happening again, but I am not getting the results I hoped.

Sanders: It's easy! You just walk in and say you're a socialist who is not beholden to anyone and the young people, they love you! They eat it up! You should try it.

Clinton: I wish I could.

Ifill: Talk about immigration.

Sanders: Listen, this is America! We should let the children in!

Clinton: I agree, along with some specifics that may or may not interest our viewers. I worked on a bill about this with Ted Kennedy once. Ted Kennedy -- by the way, I would give my kidney to that man. What a guy.

Sanders: I, too, worked with Senator Kennedy. I have already given him both my kidneys. I loved Senator Kennedy more than you have ever loved anything in your whole existence.

Ifill: What are your thoughts on foreign policy?

Sanders: Gwen, if I could? I finally have all my answers from last week's debate and I would like to read them to you now. I still think that my vote on Iraq is the answer to most of these questions, but it is good to be thorough. Furthermore, Secretary Clinton cited Henry Kissinger as someone who praised her foreign policy bona fides. I would like to put it on the record that I despise Henry Kissinger. I spit on his record. Ptooh! That, to be clear, was me spitting on his record. If Henry Kissinger tried to praise me on foreign policy, I would run away.

Clinton: (chuckles) Henry Kissinger would not try to praise you on foreign policy. I'm pretty sure of that.

Woodruff: And now, a Facebook question. Who inspires you on foreign policy?

Sanders: Franklin Roosevelt inspires me on domestic policy. What was the question? Also, Winston Churchill. Great man. Huge.

Clinton: Ooh, I have this one! Nelson Mandela inspires me. And so does. . . Barack Obama! Whom you, Senator, keep attacking! And I won't have it! You know how much you love Ted Kennedy? That is how much I love President Obama. But more so.

Sanders: Oh, yeah? Well --- you ran against him in 2008!

Clinton: That was different. That was Senator Obama. This is President Obama. Senator Obama was an impediment on my inevitable road to the White House, whereas President Obama is someone I am going to cling to as desperately as possible in order that the White House gates are not shut upon me again. Do you hear me, South Carolina? Please. Bernie is a single-issue candidate. I have multiple issues.

Ifill: Maybe rephrase that.


Previously:


02/01/16: Barbie is past saving
01/25/16: For the love of all that is holy, save small talk
01/20/16: Sean Penn meets the Almighty
01/05/16: 'Said' is not dead. Save boring words!

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