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Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2003 / 1 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Johnny Cash estate halted Preparation H from using the song Ring of Fire as a hemorrhoid commercial jingle. The company is stuck. Only one other song would work and Steve Martin told them not to even think about Walk Like an Egyptian.

The Secret Service began protecting John Kerry Friday and offered protection to John Edwards. It's in the best interests of the nation. If those two guys kill each other, Dennis Kucinich could be the next president of the United States.

John Kerry was endorsed by the AFL-CIO on Friday despite his support of free trade. He can't help it. When prep schoolers have to live on government salaries they will do whatever it takes to bring the price of polo shirts down to two dollars.

John Kerry spent Friday defending past votes and remarks on the floor of the U.S. Senate. No one should be judged for what goes on in the Senate. Every fifteen minutes somebody gets up and says nothing, nobody listens, then everybody disagrees.

The Sierra Club is holding elections which may elect anti- immigrant activists to the board. They worry how immigration affects the air, the trees and the streams. You can't make it up, some members warned that the Sierra Club is being hijacked by outsiders.

Laura Bush visited a magnet school in Las Vegas Thursday where the students study technology. The goal is to teach job skills for the 21st century. At the end of each semester all the students are expelled and replaced by students in India.

Mardi Gras got underway in New Orleans Saturday. The parade winner this year was the Metarie Parish Women's Marching Band. Prior to surgery the exact same sixty people won the competition last year as the Metarie Parish Men's Marching Band.

Howard Dean speaking to teary-eyed supporters in Vermont Wednesday delivered an eloquent speech announcing his withdrawal from the Democratic race. He still has a future in presidential politics. He lost so badly it impressed the Green Party.

The Louisville Slugger Museum Wednesday received a bat used by Babe Ruth. He used the bat during his last full season in the majors. You can tell the bat was used toward the end of his career because Mike Ditka's name is burned on the barrel.

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