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Jewish World Review Feb. 17, 2003 / 25 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Dr. Atkins was described by the New York coroner last week as an overweight man with a heart condition. His low-carb diet remains a national craze. Whitman's number-one seller over Valentine's Day was a dozen pork chops in a heart-shaped box.

Alex Rodriguez signed with the New York Yankees Sunday and joined a teamful of George Steinbrenners, Derek Jeters, Gary Sheffields and Jason Giambis. Joe Torre is in trouble. Jane Goodall couldn't manage this many alpha males in one habitat.

Dallas was hit by its largest snowfall in recorded history on Friday. There were ice storms and low temperature readings all the way up to the Great Lakes. It was so cold in Wisconsin over the weekend that John Kerry was sticking to his story.

The Staples Center in Los Angeles hosts the National Basketball Association All-Star Game today. Fan favorite Kobe Bryant was elected to start but may not play due to a nagging injury. Eight months ago in Colorado he pulled a Bill Clinton.

The Academy Awards agreed Wednesday to use a five-second delay on the Oscars telecast in two weeks. It's to prevent any nude flashing. There's no shortage of attention junkies with large breasts in Hollywood but only Michael Moore's are real.

Jane Fonda was pictured with John Kerry on Wednesday in an old photo from an anti-war rally where they both spoke in 1970. It's disastrous. Any link between the candidate and Jane Fonda could cost him his share of the Heinz ketchup fortune.

Judy Woodruff showed CNN viewers an album cover of John Kerry's rock band in the Sixties called The Electras. A lot of leading Democrats played in college bands. This time four years ago, Al Gore was telling crowds he was replaced by Ringo Starr.

The Red Cross complained Wednesday they haven't yet been allowed to see Saddam Hussein. They want to make sure the dictator has the basic necessities. Every four weeks or so Saddam Hussein

Democrats reeled over John Kerry's infidelity rumors on Friday, having already reckoned with a loopy Wes Clark, a screaming Howard Dean, and a pro-war Joe Lieberman in the primary selection process. This leaves John Edwards. The presidential race has now reached the point where a personal injury attorney is the moral choice.

Michael Jackson faces bankruptcy today on top of child molestation charges as the U.S. Senate holds hearings on his sister Janet's breast-flashing at the Super Bowl. It gets worse. Pakistan just admitted selling child-raising manuals to the Jackson family fifty years ago.

The Weather Channel reports bone-chillingly cold weather in the Midwest this week. Snow and ice and subfreezing temperatures cover the region. It's as if Al Gore appeared in Minneapolis-St. Paul last week and endorsed warm weather for president.

Howard Dean on Friday withdrew his promise to quit the presidential race if he loses in Wisconsin. He hasn't won in eleven primaries. Social workers are lining up to place foster children with Howard Dean because he never beats anybody.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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