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Jewish World Review Feb. 13, 2003 / 21 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | . Academy Awards producer Joe Roth said Tuesday the Oscars telecast will have a five-second delay to protect viewers from profanity. There is no chance that the actresses will flash their breasts at the awards show. They already got the part.

Bill Clinton told reporters Monday he lost weight on the South Beach Diet. He needs constant supervision. He looks much trimmer ever since his doctor told him to stop throwing intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.

Dr. Atkins was revealed by a New York coroner to have had heart disease when he died. It could cause people to abandon his low-carb diets. You knew it was going to be an excellent year for white bread when the Democrats went for John Kerry.

John Kerry swept to victories in Virginia and Tennessee Tuesday and kept up his campaign's momentum. He looks great after having botox and collagen injections and an eyelid lift. John Kerry may be the next President of the United States to millions of Democrats, but to doctors in Beverly Hills he's simply known as Him Again.

The Employment Law Alliance poll found that one in four U.S. workers uses a company computer for porn or romance on the Internet. Web sites that cater to employees of U.S. companies have a big challenge ahead of them. India has six hundred languages.

The U.S. soccer team lost to Mexico Tuesday and was doused with beer and chili by jeering Mexican fans. Revenge was swift. Later that evening the Chihuahua at the Westminster Dog Show was pelted by the Anglo-Saxons with strawberries and cream.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton