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Jewish World Review Feb. 11, 2003 / 19 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | . The Grammy Awards were held Sunday night in Hollywood. There were many happy reunions. The bomb-sniffing dogs began their careers sniffing out cocaine at the airport, so they knew all the musicians from their time together at Betty Ford's.

Don Rumsfeld had a press conference in Europe on Friday in which he bristled at French reporters who implied he was narrow-minded. Republicans are offended by the way the French hop from one bed to another. That's why they call them Frogs.

Howard Dean stayed upbeat Saturday after losing in Washington. He's lost his sparkle. No one wants to say he's starting to hear the voters, but Howard Dean just joined the Sierra Club in order to get a ten percent discount on hiking boots.

John Kerry was reported Monday to have accepted speaking fees from lobbyists for tobacco, alcohol, unions and casinos. He should play this up in his biography. John Kerry isn't just a presidential candidate, he's the last surviving member of the Rat Pack.

John Kerry last week began receiving two hundred thousand dollars a day from campaign donors. It's just in time. His wife owns five hundred million dollars worth of stock in Heinz Ketchup, so there's no way he's shaking anything out of her.

Harrison Ford left his wife for Calista Flockhart and has agreed to pay a $118 million divorce settlement. His next movie promises spectacular explosions and thrilling chases. The working title is Indiana Jones Misses an Alimony Payment.

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