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Jewish World Review Feb. 9, 2003 / 17 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show airs today from Madison Square Garden on USA Network. Pop culture is ruining everything. The broadcast will be on a seven second delay in case the Jackson family has a puppy who's tired of being overlooked.

Ohio State sophomore Maurice Clarett was ruled eligible for the NFL draft by a federal judge. The league's minimum age requirement was struck down. The kid wants to play for the Minnesota Vikings because their uniforms are the same color as Barney.

President Bush appeared on Meet the Press Sunday to prove to the media he can handle any tough questions. We all have our insecurities. John Kerry will never know if Teresa Heinz married him for love or if it was merely because he looked electable.

President Bush will attend the Daytona 500 in Florida Sunday to show he cares about NASCAR fans. He's in touch with the blue collar South. John Kerry thinks NASCAR is a trade agreement between North America and Scotland and Madagascar.

Dick Gephardt endorsed former rival John Kerry on Friday. Kerry also picked up an endorsement from Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm. The only thing that can stop John Kerry from getting the nomination now is an endorsement from Al Gore.

A Pakistan scientist confessed selling nuclear secrets to Iran and Libya and Syria. That means we just conquered the only two nations in the Mideast with no weapons of mass destruction. If you get no numbers in Keno that's a winning card.

Howard Dean sent an e-mail to supporters Thursday begging for hundred dollar contributions to continue the campaign. You get anger, euphoria and a feeling of invincibility for a hundred dollars. This isn't a candidacy, it's a cocaine binge.

The San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant in Southern California admitted Thursday they opened up their water intake valve too wide and accidentally sucked in two hundred thousand sardines. The fish were exposed to high levels of radiation. The last time this happened, it resulted in ten years of really bad science fiction movies.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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