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Jewish World Review Feb. 2, 2003 / 10 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | U.S. weapons inspector David Kay told Congress Wednesday he found no chemical weapons in Iraq. This man will work forever. He wasn't halfway down the Capitol steps when the National Football League hired him to check the players for steroids.

NBC countered the Super Bowl Sunday with three episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. What can you say. Martians peering at Earth through the Rover lens would never guess which program ends with forty-eight guys taking a shower together.

John Kerry leaped to a commanding lead in the polls ahead of the Democratic primaries on Tuesday. He had his eyelids lifted and some botox injections and he has been rising in the polls ever since. Apparently people think he's Jim Carrey.

The Louisiana Political Museum and Hall of Fame opened Friday, honoring state politicians. It's off to a shaky start. The museum hasn't been open three days and already two of the exhibits have left for Las Vegas with women not their wives.

Fidel Castro accused President Bush Friday of plotting with the Mafia to try to assassinate him. There's no arguing the mob's effectiveness. Let's face it, nobody attacked New York City while the town was paying John Gotti protection money.

Germany sentenced a man Thursday who confessed to killing and eating another man, who had agreed to the arrangement. The cannibal was a health nut. He refused to eat anybody from Los Angeles because they contain too many artificial ingredients.

Howard Dean asked his staff to work for no salary until his next fundraising haul. He's not finished yet. Howard Dean raised forty million dollars over the Internet and he still hasn't uploaded the Polaroid photographs of his patients.

Major League Baseball approved the sale of the Los Angeles Dodgers Thursday to Frank McCourt. He assured longtime fans the team will win the pennant the Los Angeles way. That's great, but how do you sleep your way to the top in baseball?

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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