Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Novak Djokavic is blocked from the Australian Open by immigration as his vaccine papers are not in order. He's the first player be knocked out of the Grand Slam after missing only two shots. I think we were all wrong about Hitler escaping to Argentina, he obviously made his way to Australia.

• ABC News says Chicago's homicide rate last year was the highest it's been in thirty years. The Chicago Police Department logged in over eight hundred murders as well as thirty-five hundred people shot. This does not help the city's new tourism motto: Come Back to Chicago — We Missed You.

• The Weather Channel reported a massive winter snow storm swept across the Midwest and the Eastern Seaboard over the weekend snarling traffic and canceling flights. Retailers had to adjust. Due to the extreme cold weather, all WalMart customers are being asked to wear two pair of pajamas.

• The Supreme Court deliberated on the constitutionality of President Biden's vaccine mandate on corporations Friday. It's tough, but we all have to hang in there, because the end is clearly in sight. I believe we're just two or three more Spider Man movies away from being out of this pandemic.

• The CDC banged the drums for more testing as the Omicron variant spread with mostly cold symptoms. Audiences in L.A. unimpressed with Omicron's danger sold out at the Comedy Store. The CDC just panicked and announced another variant has been discovered, it's called Another Con.

• Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced on Zoom Sunday that she has Covid. This proves that the virus is mutating to the left. The day after she revealed her test results, AOC received a get-well card from the House Conservative Caucus urging her to stay positive.

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• The New York Post on Wednesday quoted a study from a noted sex therapist in London who is recommending that people engage in daily masturbation in order to fight off the depression that the month of January often brings. Most people are afraid to try it. After all, Betty White can see you now.

• President Biden came to the Capitol Thursday to re-live the Capitol Hill riots. In the ceremony Biden called for nationwide mail-in voting and ballot harvesting that sparked the riot in the first place. The ceremony Thursday was a grim reminder of what you get when you order a president by mail.

• The White House tried to manage local and statewide government over-reactions to Omicron Tuesday. The government can close our schools, they can close our churches they can close our restaurants, they can close our bars they can close our theaters. But they will never close our potholes.

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