Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Ghislaine Maxwell was found guilty of enticing women under the age of seventeen to have sex with her late boss Jeffrey Epstein. Maxwell knows every powerful political figure who cavorted on Epstein Island and she could cooperate. Hillary Clinton just phoned Suicide Hotline to place an order.

• Ghislaine's Maxwell's conviction set off media speculation as to whether she will name names of Jeffrey Epstein's fellow predators in an interview. She's remained dutiful to her late lover. The moral to Ghislaine Maxwell's conviction is that true love means you can finish each other's sentences.

• The FAA heard calls to ban alcohol on flights after a lady overdosed and died in her first-class seat during mid-flight when the drugs she'd ingested mixed with the alcohol she was served. The coroner said she had taken alcohol, Dilaudid, codeine, Demerol and cocaine. I can't even get peanuts.

• Governor Newsom re-imposed masks for indoor gatherings in California, causing widespread exasperation Monday. If you're still wearing a mask over your nose and over your mouth while you're driving alone, you do not need that Ridin' with Biden sticker on the back of your car. We know.

• President Biden issued a statement from his Delaware home wishing Americans the happiest of New Years for 2022. I see no sense for making any big plans. A year from now, I fully expect to be walking into the Olympic Pharmacy in Beverly Hills to get my booster booster's booster boosted.

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• The CDC reduced self-quarantine to five days for asymptomatic Omicron cases but no vaccine cards required for air travel yet. The CDC is the U.S. version of the guards at Buckingham Palace. Tourists line up outside the White House fence each morning to see the Changing of the Covid Policy.

• Harry Reid's passing Tuesday recalls how he wrote in his memoir how he started as a teenage janitor in a Searchlight, Nevada, brothel. He learned how to get things done while surrounded by whores who traded favors for cash. No man was ever better trained to become Senate Majority Leader.

• President Biden reportedly plans to entertain family and friends at home in Delaware on New Year's Eve. Biden's gastroenterologist devised a fool-proof Covid test for visiting guests on social occasions. If they are unable to smell the president's flatulence, they're ordered immediately to leave.

• The Sporting News gave its annual list of the Ten Worst Teams in Major League Baseball and the Arizona Diamondbacks was tops in futility. The team hit for neither for power nor for average. Last season the Diamondbacks officially beat the Wuhan street market for the worst use of a bat ever.

• The Centers for Immigration Studies disclosed Monday the U.S. took in one and a half million new immigrants last year, raising the total number of foreign born residents to forty-six million. I can see it firsthand. There are so many Canadians in Los Angeles it hardly feels like Mexico anymore.

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