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Jewish World Review Dec. 31, 2003 / 6 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | It's time for our annual look back at the past year's antics. Happy New Year!

JANUARY — President Bush delivered his State of the Union address to Congress on Monday in the U.S. Capitol. He spoke to a packed house and gallery. The gallery is a place for casual onlookers and disinterested bystanders but the Democrats had to sit somewhere.

FEBRUARY — Martin Sheen led an anti-war march on Hollywood Boulevard Sunday wearing duct tape over his mouth. It allowed the actor to prove two things. He's not afraid to lose his job, and there's someone in his family that can still breathe through his nose.

MARCH — Dick Cheney said on NBC Sunday he thinks President Bush's cowboy image is a good thing. He is what he is. President Bush declared war Monday from his Oval Office desk in front of a photograph of his father and his two brothers, Hoss and Little Joe.

APRIL — Saddam Hussein's bedroom was shown Tuesday to contain lamps shaped like nude women, mirrored ceilings, two sunken wet bars and twelve cases of Scotch. This is nuts. We just sent two hundred thousand troops to liberate Iraq from Dean Martin.

MAY — The White House formed Iraq's interim government in consultation with Britain on Monday. It's a fair deal. To avoid any appearance of colonialism, we plan to divide Iraq into three different countries, Regular, Unleaded, and Unleaded Supreme.

JUNE — Howard Dean began to catch fire with audiences campaigning in Iowa Monday. He doesn't fit the profile. It's generally conceded that to capture the White House, a Democrat must be fiscally conservative, socially liberal, and sexually insatiable.

JULY — Tony Blair gave a beautiful speech on Tuesday to a joint session of Congress and got ovation after ovation. He got offstage just in time. If Tony Blair were any more charming and glib and eloquent, the Republicans would impeach him on sight.

AUGUST — Arnold Schwarzenegger announced on the Tonight Show he will run for governor of California. His wife Maria Shriver opposed the run for fear his past history with women could surface. She's afraid a sex scandal could ruin the good name of Kennedy.

SEPTEMBER — General Wesley Clark began his presidential campaign Friday with a speech in Iowa City, Iowa. He told the audience the passions of Iowa are his passions as well. On his honeymoon night, his wife came to bed all dressed up as a corn subsidy.

OCTOBER — William Bennett told NBC's Meet the Press Sunday he has quit gambling. He was promoting his Book of Virtues, which purports that moral perfection is the goal of everyday living. This book is so full of chastity even the jacket won't come off.

NOVEMBER — Hillary Clinton headlined the Iowa Democratic Party Dinner Saturday and drew a full house. These people can eat. They consumed two thousand pounds of meat, six hundred pounds of corn, two thousand potatoes and the band's drummer is missing.

DECEMBER — Saddam Hussein was captured and arrested by U.S. troops Saturday after a seven-month manhunt. He was found in a six-foot hole on a remote farm. Thank goodness he wasn't disguised as a weapon of mass destruction or we might never have found him.

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